Pills

She takes these pills and she moves along. She takes these pills and it's better. -Pills by Hurt.

So, I figured out I'm not alone in how bad certain addictions can become. I have issues with addictions. I'm easily addicted to substances. I like drinking. A little too much. I like pills. A lot too much. And I'm not the only one.
A lot of high school kids have this issue. Even more college students do. I know a girl who took xanax to help stay aware for finals. I had a girl come to class drunk, and not just a little drunk. Very drunk. I was worried.
Addictions haunt you. They come back. They remind you of the euphoria. They remind you of how much it hurts. How much it hurts the ones you love. How much you loved the thrill. How much you hated the aftermath.
Addictions change you. They leave emotional scars. They scar those you love. They break trust. They don't always scar you just emotionally. Sometimes it's physical. I know a girl who cut herself. It was her release. Once upon a time, it was mine too. It hurts, when you get reminded of things like that. Memories always seem to pop up at the worst times. Like when you're really in a great mood and you see a scar on your wrist. Or you see an old friend who drank with you or popped pills with you.

It isn't always bad. Sometimes, as much as it hurts, it reminds me that I need to be good. Being reminded of a broken relationship can sometimes remind me why it broke originally and stops me from doing it again. It isn't easy to stop. It isn't easy. Believe me. There are times when you feel like you are more broken and worthless than  the wreckage left by a bomb. You feel desolate. You feel dead. You hurt worse than anything imaginable. You hurt.

But hurting isn't just negative all of the time. Sometimes it teaches a lesson. Or, really, sometimes we're willing to learn from it. If we learned to learn from the hurts in our life, eventually nothing will truly hurt us. We can move past things and focus on the good, the happiness, the love. We were made to love.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Girls and the meaning of life.

So tonight I'm sitting here pondering girls, the meaning of life, and how girls think.
It seems to be an exercise in futility. I have gotten nowhere with this.
I thought I had things figured out. I really did. I had it figured out. Knew where everything stood. Knew everything.
Then got a slap in the face. I now know absolutely nothing. I'm in an emotional landmine and I'm surrounded.
I figured something out tonight in the midst of my fuming and musing.
Sometimes, we need to just pause and look around. We have a tendency to trap ourselves in awkward and potentially hurt ourselves and those around us.
Sometimes we need to pay  more attention to how we affect people. Both good and bad. We affect everyone around us. We really do.
So maybe the meaning behind life is that we all are interlinked. Maybe we are. Maybe girls are just connected to us guys differently. Maybe girls think differently to give us something to think about. Who could say?

Thanks.
Tyler.

Screwing up.

I grew up early. Loss does that to you. Dad was always working or sleeping. My birth mother sat by while my brother and I were beaten. I guess it all kind of screwed me up.
I learned how to ruin things in my life at an early age. I did pretty well at it. It carried into my early teen years. I found alcohol and pills. I ruined friendships. I ruined my education. I ruined how I react around people. I ruined my perception of life.
Tonight I feel like I'm about to explode.
Ever have a moment where every negative thing that has happened to you in the close/apparent past decides to just hit you at once in one big splash of unpleasantness?
It's happening tonight to me. I feel unglued, high strung. I hurt, and I'm numb.
Talking to a really close friend, I realized I don't know any escapes anymore. All of my relaxation spots got ruined by memories of an ex girlfriend for me.That left me with nothing positive. I learned that alcohol, drugs, and sex are all terrific escapes if one doesn't care to pay any mind to consequences.
Really, they only make everything worse. One of the last times I drank, I woke up bloody with a concussion. Last time I did pills I gave my best friend every reason to hate me. Last girl I got even close to intimate to, I can't even talk to anymore because it ruined our relationship and friendship.
I even seem to be able to screw up ways to unwind and escape. Sometimes, this isn't the worst thing.
Maybe it's good I woke up bloody. I sure learned from it.
Maybe it's good my ex and I stopped talking. She was only holding me back from moving on.
Maybe it's good that best friend and I ended up like we did. Made me realize loss can't always be ignored.
Sometimes we focus too much on escaping and not enough on making things right.
Tyler.

Take me away

I feel like it's time to move away. I feel like I need a change. I think the situation I'm in isn't going anywhere. What I'm doing right now isn't working. So things have to change. I'm working on it.

Carpenters and loss

"There's a sad and lonely comfort in the hollow of your eyes. Don't you let it take you over, because it'll eat you up inside."

This comes from a song that means a lot to me. It's in the voice of a man who lost the one person who meant the most to him. It's a song of bitterness. Of anger. Of sadness. It's full of pain.
It's a meaningful song. It talks of loss and unrequited love.
I'm in a musical mood today. I sang in the shower. I listened to music at breakfast. I'm listening to music as I type. Music disappoints me now. There are very few bands who write songs that mean something now. They're all about sex and drugs and alcohol. I guess that's seen as the ideal lifestyle by most teens now. Teenagers look forward to partying because they think being drunk makes things more fun. They think drugs make their lives better. Most don't realize how wrong they are until they're too late. Like me. 
Think about things sometimes.
Thanks.
Tyler

Blackout

I'm a theatre guy. Or at least that's what I'm considered to be at school. I guess you could call me one. I do the plays. Most of my friends are theatre people. So I think I qualify.
I have been doing theatre since junior year of high school. I learned a lot about myself when I started doing it.
I'm a natural actor. Perks of being taught to hide your emotions from a young age. I also figured out if I pretend that the world is a stage, I can be not so shy. I'm extremely shy. People terrify me. It's hard for me to talk to people. It's hard for me to do anything in public. As soon as I get home, I retreat to my room. I put headphones in and ignore the world.
I've always done it. Roommates I've had were probably offended because in public I'm loud and a "bundle of energy" (not my description). It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand what that's like.
I'm perfectly content with saying nothing for a whole day. Silence is always good in my eyes.
Theatre taught me that I can move past this whole thing though. It taught me that I'll always be scared unless I decide to fight it. It gave me a drive to make friends. It gave me a drive to have fun.
It started me on the track to healing. There's something like this for everyone. A hobby, a pastime, something. There's always something.
Thanks.
Tyler.

You can dream the whole store.

I've been daydreaming a lot lately. Like a lot.
Dreaming about having a perfect life. A perfect girlfriend. A perfect car. Just everything. It occurred to me that you can dream for whatever you want. You can dream that you're happy. You can dream anything. But that's where most of us stop. We stop at the dream phase. We rarely act on our dreams. We don't want to take the risk of failure.
We seem to do this a lot. A general consensus of friends I've asked about this said that the risk of failure is why they don't take risks anymore. We're more apt to stay in our comfort zones. We'd rather keep dreaming.
I personally think we need to take more action. Dreaming is all well and good, but it isn't fulfilling. If you fail, at least you know you tried.
Take risks.
Step out of your comfort zone.
Have faith.
Be strong.
Thanks.
Tyler.

A reminder

 As some people know, I haven't been exactly the best lately. I've been unhappy and pretty low on self-esteem. It's been easy to beat myself up.
I also recently started talking to someone I've known since I moved here to Galesburg. She's been having the same issue. She was adamant that she was fat and weighed too much for a girl.
I was adamant in saying she's actually gorgeous. She reminded me that I need to remind others and myself that we are awesome.
Everyone has good qualities. It's wrong to bring people down. We should strive to be positive.
We should remind people that they are awesome.
Thanks.
Tyler

Wishes

I have tons of wishes. Wishes, prayers, whatever you want to call them.
I wish I had money.
A job that was reliable.
A car that works.
A past that doesn't hurt.
I wish I was stronger.
Smarter.
Better looking.
Tougher emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Less proud and more humble.
I wish I could stand up for myself.
I wish I could say how I felt.
I wish I knew how I felt sometimes.
I wish I could understand more of what's going on and why.
I wish things had worked out with a certain person.
I have a ton more wishes.
A ton more. More than I could list if I typed all day. Most of these wishes, especially the ones listed above are pretty selfish, in my opinion. Some are well-founded. Money would be nice when I'm looking for a place to live. A car would be nice to get to work and back instead of relying on rides. Will any of these wishes come true?
I think some might. I hope some will. I hope all of them will. But realistically, I'd be pretty lucky if any of those came true.
Why do we wish we can have things we don't have? Does it not make it worse? Doesn't it make you think of what you have as being not good enough? Doesn't it naturally make us look at what we have in a negative light? When do hopes of something better turn into a form of ungratefulness for what we are given? Think about it.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Stones

I carry a backpack full of stones with me. Everywhere I go. It causes me to slouch. It makes my shoulders slump. It keeps me feeling weak. It keeps me waiting for the next stone to be added.
More and more get added every time I relax. This bag should have ripped from the weight long ago. I should have collapsed weeks ago.
But for some reason I'm still walking. I'm still moving around. I can still talk. I can still function.
I might be crushed right now, but I'm still alive.
It's because I want to be. I have the will to not give up. I have the will to keep fighting even when there seems to be nothing left to fight for.
As hopeless as everything seems, especially this very second, there has to be something better.
Tyler.

Hiding

I feel that I've been hiding. I've been hiding in a few senses.
I've been avoiding friends. I'm slow to reply to texts. I send short answers back to discourage further conversation.
I've been hiding mentally. I'm not trying in classes anymore. I stopped wanting to be the standout student who knows everything. I'm hiding what I can do from my teachers.
I'm hiding emotionally. I hung out with a close friend for coffee recently and all she saw was me being happy and bubbly like normal. Inside I was dying. I was hurting so bad and was so low I felt like I was under a carpet. She had no idea until she asked a few days later. She made me cry when she sent the words "I'm sorry" six times on facebook chat. The fact that my hiding made someone else feel guilty is where this started to hurt.
I don't like other people feeling guilty. I don't tell people when I need things because if they can't help, they might feel bad. And that hurts me. I don't want people feeling bad because they can't help me. I can't even help me sometimes. The part that hurts me the most is that I'm so good at hiding my feelings that she had no idea what was really going on.
I want to stop hiding. I really do. But it's pretty hard to get over the fear of being vulnerable. I don't like being vulnerable. In fact, I hate it.
But I know if I ever want to get better, I have to be vulnerable. I have to break the walls down. I have to.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Remember

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my past.

I've remembered things I wish I hadn't. I remember things that hurt. I remember things that were good. I remember being happy. I remember wishing I was dead. I remember being on the borderline.

I did bad things for good reasons.
I did good things for bad reasons.
I live in an aftermath of past actions.

I remember staying alive just to keep one person alive. I remember not eating so everyone else could.
I remember hiding things as a child. Keeping them from everyone else.
I remember sacrifice and selfishness.
Love and hate.
Sanity and pain.

I kept it all in.
Why let it out?
It kills, you know.
I let it all out.
It kills, you know.

I gave everything for nothing.
Expected everything.

I guess I'm cursed.
The memories swirl.
They stab.
They heal.

I made a friend.
I broke her heart.
I hated with my love.

All in all, saying what's said,
It's real.
The pain.
The love.
The heat.

Memory is a fire, burning what it needs.
It may take your sleep.
Maybe your heart.
But if you don't remember, what's accomplished?

Alive

Today I realized something amazing.
I am alive. Living, breathing, feeling, fighting.
I am here. I'm not absent. I'm not walking through life going through motions. I have a lot of pain right now, but I can still feel. I'm not numb anymore.
As much as I don't like what's going on in my life right now, it could be worse. I could be that zombie I used to be. I could just not feel anymore.
I think things are turning around. Sure, I'm borderline homeless, basically unemployed, and struggling to make it and even eat some nights, but at least I'm trying.
Thanks for the support, friends.
Tyler

Saving the Day

Two nights ago, a friend I hadn't talked to in months told me that I'm an amazing person. I didn't take this well, because I tend to disagree.
Later she told me that she's glad she talked to me because she was about to go down a bad road. One that was self-destructive and dangerous. She said it was the second time I had saved the day.
My first reaction was that I am a superhero. Just kidding. It made me think. It made me realize that when I'm being positive and making an effort to help, I can actually help people.
It was humbling. I realized that I was still being self-centered.
The whole situation arose after a girl I've spent the last month talking to and trying to get together with told me she may be in love. With someone else. It was upsetting. I sent a message to the above-mentioned girl because she seemed down and upset.
Out of this negativity, I feel I have regained a friendship that I figured was all but lost. She told me I had saved the day.
I believe she saved mine.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Fearless

What scares you?
Heights?
Spiders?
Clowns?
Talking to the girl you really like?
Failing a class?
What scares you?
It's an easy question. It really is. I'm scared of me. I'm scared of loss. Pain. Rejection. My family. My past. The future. I'm scared of a lot more.
It's almost easy to admit what you're scared of. Almost. But it can be done. It's really easy to ignore your fears and pretend they aren't there until a situation presents itself. It's easy to brush them under the carpet, hide them in the closet.
How easy is it to push past them, though? Is it easy to go skydiving if heights terrify you? Is it easy to share your feelings for someone if you're scared of rejection?
I don't find these things easy. I consider myself an average person. Normal things affect me normal ways. I have a question in this.
How do we face these fears? How do we gather up the courage to do these things that may hurt us? How can we be strong in the face of adversity?
Is it possible to be fearless?
Thanks.
Tyler.

Dying to live.

I've been living life backwards. I should be dying to live. Instead, I'm living to die. I walk around every day. I have the same routine. I go to the same places. I talk to the same people. I have the same conversation every day.
I've stopped seeking new things. I've stopped wanting to. I want to stay right where I am. I don't want change because change isn't safe.
This mentality has stopped me from asking this girl out and it's driving me nuts. Hopefully she doesn't read this. It'd be awkward because she'll know who she is. But my need to get this out is greater.
I have held myself back from life. I've held myself back from healing.
Not an easy revelation to have. I want to live again. I want fun. I want change. I want better for myself.
Thanks.
Tyler

Why I fight.

I've been fighting most of my life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I've boxed, wrestled, played football, and other sports. I've taken the hardest classes in school just because I wanted a challenge. I've had so many things happen that I regret that it's a daily struggle to look past them all. My faith is challenged every day, and not just by those around me.
Some weeks, it's a wonder that I'm still  going, even to me.
This past week has been no exception. In fact, it's been one of the hardest weeks I can remember. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually more than anything else. I'm about to fail my biology class. I lost two relationships by my own fault. I can't find the strength to tell this girl I think she's amazing. I can't tell her she's the kind of country that I miss from home. Spiritually, I can't even begin to start. I've nearly lost all scraps of faith I had. I don't know how to repair this. Any of it.
I don't feel strong enough. I feel like I'm falling and got knocked out before I even threw a punch.
I feel like I've given it all, but haven't been given a try at anything better.
But I'm going to keep fighting. I know that if I just lay down and take it, it'll get worse. But if I fight and keep fighting to survive, pretty soon I'll be stronger than before.
I fight because I love life. As hard as it is to admit some days, I love being alive.
I'm fighting.
I'm alive.
This is why I fight.
It boils down to love.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Promises

Lately I've broken a lot of promises. I made promises when I was stronger and now can't fulfill them.
I told a girl once that I would ALWAYS be there for her. No matter what time of the day or night. No matter what circumstance. I loved this girl with all of my heart, and still do.
Tonight I had to tell her I couldn't keep doing this. I hate that I did it. I really do. It's the lowest I've felt in a long time.
Sometimes we don't have the strength to carry through with all of our promises. Sometimes, we hurt so bad when we are fulfilling them that we can't keep going. It hurts. It feels like you're abandoning someone. It feels like you're lower than the carpet. But sometimes it is necessary. You can't make anyone else happy unless you are happy first. I've learned a lesson in this.
I can't promise someone the world because I can't give them the world. I am human and can only give so much. And it hurts to admit. But I, Tyler Fox, am human.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Screaming

It's been rough lately. Finding a place to live, dealing with the lack of money, dealing with my job cutting all of my hours, losing my vehicle, etc. It's been hard on me. I'm strong, but I'm weak.
I feel like I'm screaming. Screaming for help, for solace, for comfort, for love, for something. Anything.
I haven't heard any thing back. I've wanted to give up. Scratch that.
I want to give up.
I want to tell the world that it wins.
I want to tell all of the people who seem to have made a mission out of bringing me down that they've succeeded.
I want to tell everyone that I can't do this anymore.
I want to tell myself that I'm done.
I've screamed until my voice has given out. Like an actor who's given everything he has and sacrificed everything so he can get by.
I've thrown myself off of a cliff chasing what felt like life. I've lost friendships. I've made a jackass out of myself. I've failed to stay true to who I am and who those close to me know me to be.
I'm just musing at this point. I don't want a pity party. I just want to get this out.
It hurts holding things in. It does. I know why I did for so long. The one person I trust fully and without question, I can't talk to anymore.
One of the only male role models I have seems to be unavailable all the time. It also seems that when I talk to him he's just tolerating it. Even my roommate seems to be barely tolerating me. It hurts.
I made a new friend, but I can't seem to tell her everything I'm feeling because some of it is identical to what she's feeling.
I can't even talk to a girl I had become really interested in.

"I'm falling apart again." Shinedown, "Shed some light"

I'm pushing people away. My best friend. My brother. Even me.
And the worst thing's that I don't know how to fix this one.
I don't know how to believe in them.
I don't know how to believe in my faith.
I don't know how to believe in me.
I'm just screaming to what feels like an empty room.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Goodnight.
Tyler.

Storm

I'm in the middle of a storm. I see everything around me crashing down. I've lost all of my important possessions. I feel trapped.
I'm uncomfortable. I'm scrambling. I just want out.

I've realized I'm like a tree though. My feet are rooted to the ground. I can't just walk away from this.
My arms that flail in resistance just catch the wind and bend me farther and farther.
I have to stand in place.

In the process of losing, you learn to give.
You learn to give everything you can, because it'll all fall away anyway.
It's sad. But it's necessary.

Understand

Yesterday I had someone tell me that they're glad I understand her. She has been having a rough time lately. When she said this, I replied that I care enough to understand.
I've realized that I don't understand a lot of people around me. I also realized that I haven't cared. I don't care to know and understand the people around me.
A great realization to have about yourself, right?
I don't like this about myself. I know a lot of things about me need improved. I think caring about those around me is pretty high on the list.
I think this is a widespread problem. How many people do you understand, and care about enough to want to  understand? How many people around you do you not understand? Which number is bigger? These are questions for you to ask yourself.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Assurance

"You need assurance that everything's gonna be fine." "Assurance" Hurt.

This band has inspired a lot of my posts. They have songs that are easily connected to. They strike a chord with me.
The chorus of the song is what hits me in this case. I have been having a rough couple of weeks. I've needed encouraged, hugged, loved, and all the rest. And I'm still kind of down.
But I'm better than I was. Knowing that even last night, a really close friend woke up at 1 am to text me and calm me down really helped. I was so stressed.
We all need assurance. All of us. Whether we notice it or not. When someone tells us that everything will be alright and that we're going to be fine, it helps.
No matter what you're going through, it'll be alright. It gets better. Remember to stay hopeful. Stay positive. Stay strong.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Omission

A girl you know is hurting. She's panicking. She feels lost. You see her and you know she's upset.
But you don't even ask what's wrong.
This girl commits suicide.
You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything at all.
That's a pretty dramatic example, but it holds true. We see things we could help with all of the time. A door needs held. Someone drops their books. Instead of getting involved, we step away.
It's not wrong because we had no part in it. Obviously none of the consequences are our fault.
We have a tendency to ignore what's going on in people's lives unless we are directly involved. It's none of our business. We should let them deal with it.
When something goes wrong, do we have any fault? Does us stepping back and not doing anything to help make us guilty in any way?
Thanks.
Tyler.

pt 6

Sorry about the break. I've been busy, and you'll see why towards the end of this post.

So school started a month later. The month preceding school was packed. My best friend left for basic training for the Air Force. Donny, I'm proud of you. I also grew really close to another friend. He was having girl problems. He didn't know how to approach the problems and it drove him nuts. He became my little brother.
At the same time, I asked Isobella to delete my number from her phone. I blocked her on Skype and removed her on Facebook. I didn't want contact with her for any reason.
I did this for two main reasons. One, it hurt. It hurt to see her and get texts from her and all of that stuff. It hurt a lot. She was mine and I had lost her. Every time I saw her it was a reminder of what I didn't have anymore and what I won't have again.
Two, I didn't want her to feel anything like what I felt. I removed myself from her life. I wanted her to find someone better than me. I am broke. Don't have any money. Can't hardly provide for myself. I want her to find someone with money who is better than me, nicer than me, and who can do good for her. And that hurts, too.
I gave up on her. But I love her. I want better for her than I feel I can give.
At the same time, I stopped talking to Jane. I don't know why. I just did. I'm still ashamed of this. I feel like I abandoned two of the most important things in my life. No, I did abandon the two most important people in my life. I'm a great guy.
I would see both at church. So I stopped going to church. There was no point. I'd lost my blood family, lost my best friends, had nothing to call mine but a bag of clothes and a ceramic box that was made for me. What's the point in believing in God when you have nothing left?
I fell back into depression. And bad. So bad that I couldn't look at a knife and I was scared to drive. I also became really self-destructive in my workouts. I pushed friends away. I stopped texting them. I stopped posting on facebook. I even stopped posting on my blog. I hated every second.
Then school started. Last year, I sat in a secluded corner. I didn't talk to anyone. I just sat with headphones in and went to classes. This year, I decided I needed to change. Being by myself was bad. Led to dark thoughts. So I started sitting in the loudest part of the college. Everyone learned my name. I got nicknamed "The Beard". I was loud and social with everyone. I hated myself. I was so fake.
I got a check. I went and bought a jeep. And then it broke down. I lost it, too. I found a new apartment. I was short money, but I found a roommate. We planned it all out. It was going to work out.
I joined a Christian group as a leader. I hated myself for it. I wasn't in the position to help out with anything of the sort, but I couldn't let the other leaders down. There was a retreat planned. I decided to go. The week before the retreat I had given up. On everything. School, friends, money, and life.
I was suicidal.
A friend called me the thursday before. He wanted to hang out. He saved my life that night. Without knowing. I talked to him at the retreat and told him. He hugged me. The retreat was good for me. It was quiet. And relaxing. It helped. I realized that I had been being stupid. I cried for hours after I realized what I had been doing.
I had given up. Me. The guy who tells everyone else to stay strong. The guy who wants to help everyone else get better.
It was tough.
I made some decisions. One, talk to Isobella again. Two, see if I can still help Jane. Three, be strong for myself.
After the retreat, I spent a whole week working on myself. I know, long time. The next weekend there was another retreat going on. I decided to help out with it. I wrote letters to all of the people there. I even made them a cake.
The cake was interesting. I spent hours making it look real. It was styrafoam. Haha. I thought it was brilliant. I met a girl. Her name is Lucy.
I seem to have adopted her. She's my little sister. She reminds me of me. She also helps me alot. She gives me hugs when she sees me. And sends random texts checking on me. (Heavily appreciated, by the way).
This past week, I have been having major issues with money. Trying to gather nearly a thousand dollars after people you bank on back out with no explanation is hard. I've had so much stress this week. I had a friend, _____, who gave me $100 to help out. He's amazing. I'm finally moved in. Haven't paid the whole bill. I still owe $450 for this month and $275 for next, but I'm working on it. Today is November 2. I think I'll be ok.
Thanks for reading this. This has been hard to write. I thank you for reading all six parts. Originally it was supposed to be two... But thank you.
Tyler.

Pt 5.

So, to take a quick break from this, I didn't realize that this story, the story of my life, would take so long to type. I apologize for the length. And I thank you for reading. I felt that it needed to be written. That being said, back to the story.
One day at lunch, I sat down at a different table. I had been fighting with friends and needed to sit somewhere else. There was a girl I knew named Karley who was friendly to me. So I sat with her.
I hadn't eaten that week. It was Wednesday. As I sat there, a pretty blonde haired girl asked me why I didn't have a lunch. I wanted to cry. I told her I lost my card, rather than admit that I was broke. I didn't want to say that I told my parents I ate at practice so that everyone else had more food. She looked at me and gave me her fries. I had to hide my eyes for a minute. It was so tough to not cry.
I started talking to this girl a bit more. She was really nice. At the same time, I met another girl. She was hurting. And bad. I saw her eyes and it was like looking in a mirror. I never thought that anyone else might hurt like I did.So the first girl we'll name Isobella. The second will be called Jane. The first girl I started to hug every day. Her hugs were nice. She kind of bothered me sometimes by pulling my hair. She was amazed by how curly it was. I hated my hair. I never had time to wash it and brush it. I missed being bald.
I also hugged Jane every day. These hugs are the ones that I couldn't wait for.
She was struggling bad. She started opening up to me around Christmas time. Her dad was an alcoholic. Her dad also abused her mother. Her brothers were mean to her. She had confidence issues, despite being beautiful. Isobella was exactly the opposite. She always seemed happy. Always smiling and laughing. For my birthday, she made a cake for me. I thought it was sweet. A month later, we got together and unofficially dated.
Through the whole relationship, I struggled. I didn't want to tell her much about me. She was way too good for me. She was rich, pretty, popular, basically perfect. I was poor, an outsider, and scared. I didn't want to ruin it.
Jane was getting worse. She told me she cut. When she told me that, I couldn't tell her that I did too. It hurt too much. But I did cut. My wrists and arms are full of scars. Thank God I worked on a farm. Great cover story. There were nights that I stayed up all night with her. Praying that she would stay alive. She was my weakness. But she also knew when I was hurting just by my smile. She could tell almost instantly what I was feeling. I could do the same for her. We would write letters back and forth. To encourage each other in class. I finally was starting to feel a little better.
She became a center of my life too. She brought me back to my faith in God. I got a job as a camp counselor. Some nights she had to stay up all night with me. That summer was hard.
I got fired from the camp. One of my fellow counselors was stuck in Peoria and was about to call an abusive boyfriend to come get her. I took the camp truck and picked her up. I did this as a last resort. All of my bosses were either too busy or out of town. The next day I was fired.
It hurt. I got fired for a good deed. It made me bitter. I kind of started hating Christians. They were so judgmental.
I also had to switch schools. I wasn't responsible enough to keep going to my school. I had to go to ROWVA. I hate ROWVA. I really do. The only good thing I did there was make a ring for my girlfriend and graduate a semester early. I also went on the weekend. The weekend is a retreat for teens that I was tricked into saying yes. My girlfriend had lied to me about it. And laughed about it when she dropped me off. I was so mad. I considered breaking up with her over it. I can't say much about the weekend. Sorry, but I'd get in trouble.
I hated the weekend the first time I went. It was more because I was so hurt, I didn't care what went on.
The following spring, I was on the team for it. I had an amazing team weekend. I grew very close to a few people, namely Sergio, Donny, and Jason. I made life friends out of this. It was worth going to.
This past summer was a long one. I got fired from another job. I started fighting again. I was clean though. No pills. No cutting. No drinking even. All for Isobella. I loved her. And still do. She knows. I got into a fight with my father. This followed a break up. Isobella and I broke up.
He kicked me out. I started walking with two bags of clothes. And a box that had been made for me by Isobella. I don't know why, but that box was my priority. On my way down a two lane highway, I got a call from a friend. He said to come over early if I wanted. I said I was walking with my things because I just got kicked out. He said he'd meet me in the driveway.
As soon as I hung up, a man pulled up and asked if I wanted a ride. I said sure. He took me to Donny's house. I saw Donny waiting with water for me and started crying. It hurt to realize that I was loved.
I stayed the night at his house. The next day, I called another friend. I asked if I could drop my stuff off at his place so I could find somewhere to live without having to carry my stuff around town. He said sure, and that his Ma would be waiting for me.
I get there and was told to unpack downstairs. His Ma said I know the rules and where everything goes. This broke my heart.
School started a month later.

There's one more part to this story. Thanks for hanging in there guys. Thanks for reading.
Again, Thank you.
Tyler.

Pt 4

That Christmas was rough. We'd just gotten into a house. We didn't really get presents. My siblings were upset. I didn't care.
I made a New Years resolution. I wasn't going to get hurt that year. No injuries. I lasted nine days.
I volunteered to help a church. They had furniture that needed moved in their thrift store. I was carrying a pedestal and I tripped on a weather rug. I fell on top of the pedestal. On top of my hand. It exploded two of my fingers. Broke everything else in the hand and wrist.
The funny part of this is that I crushed my left hand. I am and always have been left-handed. I'm a lucky guy. They prescribed me heavy painkillers and muscle relaxers.
I got to school and sold most of them. I made a lot of money off of it. This was sophomore year of high school. I was a student leader at my church.
I'm still ashamed of this.
A week later and I had my surgery to put my hand together. All the while up to the surgery I was asked if I was sure I was left-handed. They planned on amputating the two fingers that were the worst. They were my middle and index finger.
I held fast. I am left-handed.
After the surgery, I slept. I had a huge bandage on my hand. I had no idea what my hand looked like. I was terrified. I just know it hurt. And bad. I snapped a leg in half without a tear. Walked on it for a day, again, with no tears. Physical pain never really bothered me. Boxing and wrestling make you tough. But this hurt.
When they took off the bandage, I cried. They shortened all of my fingers. The two that were the worst looked disgusting. It was hard.
Therapy was grueling. I hated every second of it. I pulled every stitch. The therapist never touched my hand after the first time. She jabbed a q-tip into the open end of my middle finger. Not the best sensation. So I did everything. I pulled stitches. I cleaned the fingers. She just watched. I guess I'm stubborn.
I don't guess. I am stubborn. I still refused to take the pills. I liked them too much. And needed money.
I didn't let the fingers heal before I started lifting weights again. I started wrestling again. I didn't box, because those fingers didn't like bending much.
My hand now has bad arthritis. And I only just recently regained feeling in two of my fingers. Took three years to fix that. After the end of school that year, we moved to Illinois again. We stayed at my grandmother's house. In a tent. Six people. She didn't have room inside in her 4 bedroom house to fit all of us. So she bought a $300 tent instead of helping us get in a house.
I started becoming more and more bitter. We finally made it into a house. School started.
I was alone again. No friends, except people who remembered me negatively.
I wrestled. I hated my classes. I rarely ate lunch because I had no money. Or lunch card. I also broke up with my girlfriend in that time. A week before our two year anniversary. I couldn't keep it going.
I hated myself for it. I completely broke ties with her.
I still regret that. She had kept me alive and sane more nights than she'll ever know. I still love her a bit. I miss talking to her. maybe someday.
At school, I wasn't eating. At home, I wasn't eating. I lost 40 pounds. I started cutting again. And wishing I had painkillers. I was down. Bad bad. Until one day at lunch.
I'll continue tomorrow.
Thanks.
Tyler.

pt 3.

So this girl and I decided to stick it out, even though I was moving out of state.
Sounds like a normal teenage thing, right? I called her every time I could. I would take my parents phone in the middle of the night and call her. We stayed strong. Sent letters often. I started playing football again.
We were terrible. Won like twice.At the end of the season, I broke my collarbone. It hurt.
But I didn't take the pills. I refused them. For her. It felt right. The night after they broke, I stayed up all night talking to her on the phone. She had school the next day, but she still stayed up. I felt loved.
That was an odd feeling. Someone loved me enough to stay up all night with me, despite school the next day. Wow. I was always an outsider. i had a blue spiked mohawk. I was big. I was mean. I didn't talk to anyone. I was scared of people. I didn't want to get close and have it ripped away from me. Again.
Like I had predicted, we moved. Back to Alabama. I was so happy. We moved about an hour and a half away from my girlfriend. I hated the school I went to though. It was so small.
I was a celebrity in a small way. I was quiet. And smart. Teachers were amazed at how smart I was. I was used to that part though. Teachers at every school were like that. Bothered me sometimes...
It was a source of insecurity knowing that I was smarter than most other students. Set me apart from the rest of the kids.
I was at this school for the rest of freshmen year and the beginning of sophomore year. The summer in between was amazing though. I spent a month with my grandma who lived by my girlfriend. I spent a month over at my girlfriend's house. I loved it. We had so much fun. We took walks, talked to each other, spent hours just holding each other.
She cooked for me, I cooked for her. We watched funny videos. We watched tons of movies. We got close. We also got physical. Started kissing. Then making out. Then touching. We started going a bit too far. It scared me, but I didn't care. We "loved" each other. And never saw each other, so we may as well make up for it, right?
It came time for me to go home. I was upset. But I went. I needed to be home. School was coming soon. I started playing football again. I did well, and then joined cross country too. I ended up fracturing my leg and couldn't play either sport. It sucked. I had nothing to keep me busy.
And then we moved. This time back to my hometown in Florida.
We lived in an 86 Suburban. Six of us. And a dog. We showered in the bathrooms at walmarts and at gas stations. We drove church to church for gas and food. It was hard. I hated it. We got to Naples, and a church put us up in a hotel. It was the first time in weeks I'd really showered. And had room to stretch out.
I hated the hotel. It felt like charity. We were living on handouts. I am a proud person. I have issues letting people help me. And being homeless and living off of handouts was tough on me.
We went to a soup kitchen. It hurt. The homeless would let us go to the front of the line because we were a family. They would give us their desserts because we were kids. I hated myself. These people who had nothing put us before themselves. I guess I've learned not everyone is bad.
To be continued tomorrow.
Thanks.
Tyler.

My Life.

I know a song that says, "He's the kid with a story no one would believe."
I've been told by a few people that have heard my story that if it came from anyone else, they'd disregard it. They'd say I was lying.
Lately, I've felt oddly compelled to share it. I'll most likely leave some things out. Definitely names, etc. Any names that appear in here will either be changed, or I'll have permission to use their names.
Some of this story is bad. Some good. Some happy. Some sad. A lot of it hurts. Thanks for reading.

My name is Tyler. I was born in Naples, Florida. The day was the 5th of February. My dad, Craig, was fifteen years old. His girlfriend was eighteen. Her name will be left out. A little less than two years later, my brother was born. His name is Zach. Before his birth, my father and his girlfriend split up. At Zach's birth, my father was absent. Because of this, he isn't on my brother's birth certificate. At the birth, there was a question over the identity of the father of Zach. Now, there's no mistaking the fact that Zach is his son. They're nearly identical.
At this point, Zach and I lived with our birth mother and her boyfriend. Pretty soon a pretty little girl named Kaylee was born. I was about three.
After Kaylee was born, Mom's boyfriend began abusing my brother and I. Heavily. I lost some vision. My brother is nearly deaf. He has a total of 3% hearing in his right ear. That's it. Nothing in the left. This left him with a bad speech impediment also.
When I was about four, my mother called my dad and said she couldn't take care of us. We cost too much money, and she didn't want us. At least she admitted it, I guess.
My father would come down randomly to visit (we lived in Arkansas and he lived in Illinois/all over the place at the time) and would always have toys and such for us, so when I was told Dad was coming, I was so happy. I couldn't wait.
When dad got there, I realized my brother and I had a bag of clothes packed. I thought it meant we were going to stay with Dad a while, so I was still really happy. This was going to be an adventure.
It turned into a permanent adventure. When we got to Illinois, my brother and I slept on the kitchen floor of Dad's apartment. Dad had a girlfriend. I hated her. She was too motherly. I remember my dad leaving for work every morning and remember him coming home and I'd already be in bed. He'd smell like grease and metal from the factory he worked at. We moved out of that apartment pretty fast. We ended up in a small house, but Zach and I had a room. We shared it, grudgingly (at 5 and 3 yrs old, we didn't like each other much), but we shared.
I started school. I lived in Galesburg and went to Nielson, although Silas Willard was two houses down from where we lived. I hated Nielson. I got into trouble a lot. I had issues with authority. I attacked my teacher a few times. Got suspended tons. Then, my teacher figured out I needed to be challenged. I was a very smart and precocious child. I was gifted at reading. My teacher figured this out fast. She started challenging me, saying I couldn't pass a quiz on a story. So I proved her wrong.
At the end of kindergarten, I was given the first Harry Potter book. I hated this book. I had to read a chapter out loud before I could eat lunch during that summer. I loved food. Still do. It was torture to read before eating. Pretty soon, I finished the first book. And I received the second one. I finished this one during first grade. After first grade, I got switched schools. Started going to Silas Willard. I hated Illinois. We spent every summer in Florida. Florida was my home.
I didn't make many friends in second grade. I was teased for being fat. I became a bully.
This carried on through third grade, our move back to Naples, fourth grade at The Vineyards (super nice private school), fifth grade at Laurel Oaks (another awesome school) and sixth grade.
Sixth grade was a big year. I started making some friends. We lived in apartments. I discovered I liked playing football with the neighborhood kids. These kids weren't the best influences. I started fighting. Figured out I can fight really well. Really well.
On a brighter side, I started in Orchestra. Picked up the string bass, viola, and violin. I continued playing those for years.
In sixth grade, I brought a knife to school. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I got caught, In Florida, that's a felony charge if you're in high school. I got expelled. Banned from public schools in Collier County for two years. I went to a school called Phoenix. We were the bad kids. The ones who weren't right for public schools. I had to get up at 4 am because school started at 5. This lasted two months.
Finally, dad decided we needed to move. At the time, he was running a huge towing business. We had lots of money, and never needed anything. But he wanted me in normal school, so I could learn.
We moved to Illinois. I started football. I was starting nose guard. I was good. Very good. But I got into fights. After season, a kid hit me in the side of the face with a metal art stool. I turned around and broke his nose. Got expelled because he bled. We moved to Alabama.
That's part 1. I'll finish it tomorrow.
Thanks.
Tyler

Pt 2

We moved to Alabama. I was in 7th grade. I tested into mostly 8th grade classes.
I was an outsider. Nobody at the school really wanted to talk to me. I hated it. I finally found a few guys to hang out with. They weren't the best. I joined a gang. I found myself changing. I grew colder. I grew angry. I started to hate my father for never having money. I was tired of being the poor kid with secondhand clothes. I was at the age where I realized that the boxes of food we got came from food pantries. I realized that food stamps were looked down on pretty heavily.
I hated my parents for it. I ignored that it's hard to support four kids. I didn't care that Dad worked more than 80 hrs a week at a factory to pay for things.
I started slipping into depression. I started fights over nothing. I kept getting worse. I started cutting my wrists.
It felt good. Looking back, I hate those scars. I wish I hadn't done it.
I also started drinking. I would even bring it to school. Eighth grade I would brink alcohol to wrestling practice/school. My parents never suspected. I had straight A's. I was always smiling around them. I was a model child in their presence.
Halfway through wrestling season, I snapped my leg in half at a birthday party. It put me out for the season. I was on a track to state. I was doing extremely well. The broken leg ruined my season. It broke my heart.
Then I discovered painkillers.
I liked them.
They felt good.
They made me not care.
They made me invincible.
They were also easy to sell.
Yeah. Tyler, straight A student, bookworm, athlete, sold pills.
When my leg healed, I stopped.
Halfway through eighth grade, we moved schools. We were one town away. I found a girl. Her name was Christina. She was amazing. It was puppy love. She even got me to go to church.
The first youth group I went to, there was a big guy with red hair, and a red beard. He jumped up. He was a big guy. Like 300 lbs, 6'1". Big. He grabbed my hand, and hugged me. Said, "Welcome Brother."
He didn't treat me like an outsider. I was welcome. The people were all nice. It was amazing. I felt at home. I found Santuck Baptist Church.
I was slightly happy again.
Then Christina and I split up. Right before summer break. It hurt. I kept going to church. I avoided her. Then it was high school time.
I started out my high school career at Elmore County High School. We were the Panthers. I also joined JROTC. I was going to join the military. At school, I had some fun. I started getting in trouble again though.
At home, my family was falling apart. Dad lost his factory job. He started working for a well company. Then lost that job. He then turned to things a little shadier.
At school, I started talking to a girl. She was beautiful. She really liked me. We got along beautifully.
I also made good friends. We caused all sorts of trouble. I even got a tattoo on my finger at lunch one day.
We were crazy.
Then, I found out I was moving. It broke my heart. I fell back into depression again. Bad. The girl I was talking to had said yes to date me. I was crushed.




I'll continue this tomorrow. It's getting late.
Thanks.
Tyler

I missed it.

So the other night, I was reading someone else's blog. It made me realize that I had lost my best friend. This is a girl who was someone I could always talk to. I could say anything to her. She's one of the few people I feel totally comfortable with.
I realized that I missed how we would text all of the time. And I missed all of our little inside jokes that confused everyone else. I missed spending time with her. I missed taking random picnics (forgetting cups, silverware and napkins sometimes). I missed it. All of it.
Sunday morning, I learned about myself a bit. I learned that spending time with me is the best way to show love to me. Her and I drifted because we never had time. And when we were together, we didn't spend time with others. This put a wedge between us, and we started fighting. I started treating her badly. She returned the favor.
It hurt to look back on how we used to be.
A lot.
So much that I decided to ostracize myself from her. I deleted her number, blocked her on facebook, etc. I even ignored her when she'd walk past me. Yeah. Tyler, the super nice guy did that. The student leader of a Christian organization. Think of me as you will. You won't think of me any worse for it than I already do.
I'm ashamed. So Sunday night, I had an opportunity to see her and talk to her. I did.
I told her I missed her. I explained what my life has been like recently. Asked about hers.  She told me about some of her struggles. Apologized to me.
At her apology, my heart broke. I was the one who messed up. I'm the one who did everything I could to avoid her. I was the one who gave up. I fail to see the reason in things sometimes. She told me she missed what we used to be like, too. She missed telling me everything. She missed my smiles. She missed my jokes. She missed spending time with me.
Only after I had stepped back and surrendered to the situation did anything happen to alleviate it. Sometimes, you just have to let go of things, and not try and control everything.
We're talking again. We understand more of what went wrong. Hopefully this keeps getting better.
Thanks.
Tyler

Brother

There's a man I know who is just amazing. He has a gift for talking to people. He has kind of  taken me in. He knows what I've been through and how I've had family problems. Lots of them.
He understands. Over the past weekend, he spoke some words to me that hurt. Frankly, some of them were a slap to the face.
Were they true? Yes.
Did I need to hear them? Yes.
Am I grateful? More than I have been in a long time.
He explained that I'm in a time of change. And told me to get over what I've been feeling. To get over the pain, the hurt, everything, and move on. He said what I didn't want to think.
I used to call him Grandpa. It's an old joke because he's older than I am. But really, he's my brother. He's the older brother I needed so much when I was younger. He's the brother who will tell me I'm being stupid. He's a brother.
This post is just a thank you to him. He knows who he is. And will be surprised at work tomorrow.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Eye of the storm

I heard a song today. I saw it in the form of a steam punk style video. It's called "Eye of the Storm" by Lovett. Listen to it, watch it, etc. It's worth it.
It made me think. The video has a man who's a captain of an airship. He's flying and a storm pops up.
I'm going through a storm right now. I'm a wreck. I'm lost. I've been trying to figure everything out. I lost a relationship that served as my main emotional support. Then got kicked out. Then everything seemed to go downhill from there.
I spent about half of my childhood in Florida. I remember big hurricanes and how everything went. First, everything would get bad. Winds would start up, it would pour down rain. You could watch gutters get ripped off of walls, and drains flood, and trees fall down. The world seemed to tear itself apart.
Then, the sky would change colors and it would be eerily quiet.
It meant halfway. It was a time where my siblings and I would step out and look at the carnage. I seem to be at that spot in my life right now. When the eye of the hurricane would hit, it was a sign of hope. It meant we were halfway through.
Now that I'm at this point, I'm looking for what can be salvaged.
I look at my life, and it seems pretty wrecked. There isn't much left undamaged. The two biggest parts of my life were what i lost a few months back and it seems that the majority of my life depended on them. Kind of hard to face.
I know I'll find things that can be salvaged though. I know that I've already made it through this storm this far. I don't know how this story ends. I couldn't tell you. I'm not even sure myself. I'm resisting those thoughts that end with a click.I'm still fighting. I can do this.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Cracks

Ever feel like you're falling down? Farther and farther, so far that there seems to be no more light from above?
Some people don't. Or they don't show it. One of the two. I figured out that I'm a really good actor. Most people can't tell what mood I'm actually in. Sometimes it bothers me. Lately, I can't seem to fake it. I can't seem to keep that big smile on my face. I guess the cracks are showing through.
It's hit me pretty hard lately that I can't even show my closest friends what I'm feeling. People I love and really do trust, I just haven't been able to let them in.
I feel driven to be a pillar of strength for the people around me. I feel like others' needs should be ahead of mine. Always. I feel everyone else is more important than I am. I feel that everyone else around me needs to be happy before I can be happy.
I guess I am a little depressed. These past few weeks, I've been under so much strain. Between mechanical issues, housing issues, relationship issues, and many other things, I've been cracking. I haven't been able to be strong for those around me. To the friends that I normally am always there for and haven't been recently, I'm sorry. I truly am. To my loved ones that I've been letting down, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to everyone around me. I haven't been here and present. I've been dwelling too much on what's going wrong. I've ignored my problems and let them build up until I can't deal with them. I put myself under so much strain that I've trapped myself in a hole.
I've let myself start falling.
I'm posting this for a few reasons. One, As an apology for how I've been recently. Two, as a warning to anyone in a situation similar to mine. I don't want to see anyone else fall like I have been. Nobody should ever have to feel trapped in a corner in their life. Three, because it needed to get out. Call me selfish, but things like this need to get out. We can't hold things like this in. When we do, we set ourselves up to break down.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Blind

You ever feel like someone is blind to what you feel?
I ask this in a few ways. First, with how they treat you.
Know someone who seems to disregard you and mistreat you, seemingly unknowingly? They say and do things around you that are hurtful, yet you can't do anything. I have an acquaintance who is a nice guy, but he says things around me that really hurt. He insults my family, my southern roots, everything. And I can't say a word because it would hurt his feelings.
Second, when you trust them with your whole heart, and they don't let you even see a crack in the walls they've built.
I'm guilty of this. I don't trust easily. And people trust me. I hate when someone tells me secrets and I can't confide anything in them because I'm scared. I feel like there are a few too many cracks in my heart to let someone else feel what I feel. I feel like a jerk.
And the worst one, when you have feelings for someone and they can't tell (or just don't want to.)
It happens. At least to most people. I know it happens to me. A very close friend of mine seems to be struggling with this exact thing. There's a girl he's been enamored with for months. He's invited her home, taken her to ice cream, the works, and she just chases after other guys. It hurts him. He's almost at the point he wants to give up. I can't even give him advice, because I don't know what I would do. It kills me to watch him suffer,  because he's like a brother to me. I feel like anything I tell him could go wrong and blow up in our faces and make the situation worse. Am I being cynical? Maybe a little, but still I don't want it getting any worse for him.
I think we need to pay more attention to other people's feelings. I know I do. You guys are probably all perfect, but between you and yourself, do you ignore other people's feelings?
Thanks,
Tyler.

Courage

"Lend me your courage to stand up and fight."
I can truthfully say that I'm scared. A lot has happened this week. My stepmother and three siblings told me tonight that I've lost myself. And that I'm not part of the family. My father has to leave to get away from my stepmother. He'll be out of state.
As much as I used to hate him, and I mean hate him, He's become my hero. I've learned so much from him. He's made me realize what responsibility truly is. I watched this man work 18 hour days for months to get us kids clothes and food. He's gone without eating so we could. He now works his hands to the bones separating scrap metal because he can't find a job. He disregards his own health and well-being to make sure everyone else is happy.
And I'm scared. He's going to be gone out of state. I'm scared because I don't feel like I'm good enough to even try to walk in his shoes. I know I'm not. I could never do what he's done. And I feel like a failure.
Am I? I guess not. But it sure feels like it.
I don't know what I'll do. I'm paralyzed with fear. I have just over a month and I have to be out of the house I'm living. With Dad gone, I can't even think about going back to that house. My job doesn't pay enough for a house or even an apartment.
I'm scared to fight. I don't know how I'll get through this.
I need courage though. I need to keep being as brave as what my face shows. I need to be the man I was raised to be. I was raised to be strong. Raised to be courageous. Raised to sacrifice.
You know what? This hurts. I'll admit it. Tyler Fox. The Beard. Admitting pain. It hurts. But I will make it. I can.
Thanks.
Tyler.

If

So I've been saying the words "what if?" a lot lately.
What If I didn't get this job?
What if I just stopped believing?
What if I just drove away?
What if I just gave up?
What if I said what I felt?
What if I stopped being strong?
What if I just stopped caring?
What if I just decided to do something different with my life?
What if I don't want to be a teacher?
Those are some of thousands that have been running through my head. Not a hyperbole, by the way. There are thousands of these questions.
I've been questioning a lot lately. My faith. My role in some groups I'm involved in at my college. My job as a brother. My job as a son. My role in my own life.
It's been a heavy week. A very heavy week. I can't shake these thoughts. Things hurt when they shouldn't. I'm so stressed that my neck is messed up. I have a pinched nerve. I'm not just physically hurt. I'm mentally not here. I sat out by a lake to think today and can't recall a single thought. I was there for two hours. I';m emotionally gone too. I don't know whether I care or not. About anything. I'm too busy questioning to make a decision, I guess.
If you have any input, go ahead and comment. Sorry for the depressing tone. It's just how I'm feeling.
Thank you for reading.
Tyler.

Today

Today is a new day. Agreed? Not the same as yesterday? Today can be a good day. Yesterday my jeep broke down. That jeep is all I really have. I own it. I bought it. But it's broken. It ruined yesterday for me. I was angry with people around me. I was angry at myself for buying something that would break. But, again, today is a new day. Today is a second chance at being happy and positive. This second chance comes for everyone, not just me. All of you can be happier today than you were yesterday. You can be more positive. Instead of having a glass half full, have a glass that's all the way full. Don't let things from the day, week, or even month before drag you down. Be positive. Thanks. Tyler

Anonymous

This is one a friend wrote and asked me to post. I thought it had a certain amount of intrigue so I decided to share. Enjoy it.

I'm an anonymous person. You don't know who I am. Funny how that works. What's even funnier is that I don't even know who I am. I'm that person who holds back. Even from me. You aren't special. Sorry to burst your pretty little bubble. I can be you, I can be me, I can even be a stranger. It depends on which mask I decide I want to wear in the morning. Today's mask was smiling. Was it pretty? Did you like it?
Good. I didn't. I guess you are special. Maybe you know how it is to be the person everyone sees, but nobody knows. Maybe. Or maybe you're just lost and struggling to find your identity in nothing.
See, the beauty of all this is that I don't even care anymore.
Maybe I do care. Do you see the pain in my eyes? Do you see the tracks my tears follow down my cheeks?
They're pretty. They show me that I'm strong enough to take on the world. Actually, they show that I'm still fighting this world around me.
Am I crumbling? Yes. Am I dying? Yes. Can you tell? Not in the least. Pick me out of a crowd. Go ahead, try it. You're wrong. Know how I know? Guess. You should know.
-Anonymous

You Can Run

In the past three months I have had a lot happen. I got fired from my job. Parents started fighting. I had a breakup. I got kicked out of the house. I started back at school. I bought a Jeep. I got another job (today).
A week ago, I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away. Anywhere but here. I hated being here. Still do at times. I felt like every tie I had holding me here was gone. Still having big problems with that one.
I still want to just leave every time I start my Jeep. Then I wouldn't see my parents. I wouldn't see her. I wouldn't see my friends that I feel like I have let down so badly lately.
I could run. I could run away and never look back.
But would I be happy? Would I be content with the fact that I ran?
Anyone can run. It isn't that hard. But I was raised to be strong. And to stick things out. Maybe all of these things are happening for a reason. Maybe I'll grow because of this.
Scratch that.  All of these things are happening for a reason. I will grow because of this. Everything happens for a reason. There's a lesson in everything. Things hurt for a reason, too. When you are small, and you touch the stove and get burned, why do you avoid touching it for the rest of your life? Because it hurts. A lot of life lessons are like that. They hurt so we really learn. And if we run, we can't learn.
You can run, but you'll never learn.
Thanks.
Tyler.

The Scales

Ever look back on your life?  I do. A lot. I'm a very reflective person. I realized something about myself today.
I'm sitting in my jeep in the parking lot of my college and it hit me.
I don't like focusing on what I've gained in my life. I prefer to think of the things I've lost. I've lost a lot in my life. I would rather think about those things than I would the things I've gained. Sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true.
Now think back in your mind. Start tallying up things you feel like you have gained or lost in your life. Make a list if you must. Count them. I would almost bet money that the list of losses is bigger.
Am I right?
I also figured out that I prefer quantity over quality. I count the losses and gains, but I don't factor in the fact that my gains in life have been way bigger than my losses. Look at those lists again. Do those gains seem to have a slight bit of weight?
In my life, I've noticed that me dropping my pencil has a bigger effect on my day than getting to see a good movie. A little thing that's easily fixed outweighs something really good that can't be replicated.
So step back and think about things like that.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Kiss From A Rose

Anyone ever hear that song? It's one of my absolute favorites. There's a man who is symbolized by a grey tower. He's lost. Has no light. Lonely.
Tell me you have never felt like that. Lonely and with nothing there to brighten your days. Sometimes when you feel like that, someone comes by in your life and becomes that light. You see them, and everything gets better. You can relax, you can smile, you can laugh.

"I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey."

A rose is a symbol of true love. It's a symbol for a lot of other things, but love is what I choose to refer to at this point in time. A kiss from true love is a beautiful thing.
I think it's a natural thing for us to hope for certain things. The perfect family, the perfect friends, the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend. We're almost taught to believe fairy tales happen all of the time. Look at Disney.
Most of the time, we won't get any of those things we hope and dream for.
Depressing, yes. But it's true. It's sad.
Another thing that has stood out to me recently though, is the fact that our standards for perfect are far from realistic. We expect too much of the ones we love, and in so doing, we place them on a pedestal. the cool thing about pedestals is the fact that they are easy to fall off of.
What I'm saying is that we should rethink what is really going on in our lives. And rethink our standards for the ones we love. I'm not saying to settle for what you have and never try to improve your life, but be content with what you have been given.
Thanks.
Tyler.

By the way, Seal- Kiss From A Rose. Yes, it was in a Batman movie.

Determination

So tonight I figured out I am one determined individual. I was able to do 71 situps in two different sets. I was amazed. I figured I would only be able to do 20 at the very most.
This is a huge achievement for me. It made me realize a few things.
1. I am a strong person.
2. I can stay strong.
3. If I want something, I can have it, but only if I work for it.
4. Number four is a secret that I know, and you guys, my readers, don't.
It also made me realize that the future is holding some pretty intense things for me. I get to join a large group of amazing men and women. I get to finish school. I get to keep becoming the strong man I was raised to be.
I found some new pride. I have pride in my physical abilities. I have pride in my emotional strength. I have pride in the people surrounding me and supporting me. They're the ones that are keeping me on track right now to losing my goal of 50 pounds.
It is very possible. I can do it because I am determined. I am devoted to losing this weight so I can say I did it.
So now that my goals are out there, what are some of your goals? I challenge you guys to make a goal. I challenge you to find the determination to stick it out until the end. Finish it. Find that drive. I believe in you.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Tears

Slightly mature content. Just a warning.






I cry.
Yes, I can admit it. Tyler, big, bearded Tyler, cries.
Is it because I'm weak? Is it because I'm not manly enough? Or is it because I'm strong enough to get over my pride? Strong enough to realize that tears heal?
Tears do heal, by the way. They heal better than most other things. You can always sit there listening to your parents fight and then pop some pills or use that little blade to medicate. You can always smoke weed. Or start drinking. You can rebel against all authority in your life. You can become bitter, angry, and hate them for ruining your life. You can do everything in the world to stay away from home, sports, clubs, friends, etc.
(I used that example of fighting parents for a more general feel, by the way.)
Or, you can cry. You can cry yourself to sleep. You can cry out from anger. Your tears can't hurt you. They won't kill your internal organs. They won't damage your brain. They won't even scar your skin.
Tears heal. They help you get over that anger. They help ease that bitterness. They help. It isn't a short term help though. Sorry, no instant cures here. But they heal. They help you get stronger. Doubt me, but try it.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Your Life

I'm asking a big question today. If you were to die today, and had to describe your life with one word, what would that word be?
Told you it was big. It takes a lot of thought. If there was one word to describe my life. Very tough.
Mine would be surrender. My life has involved lots of moving. I went to a lot of schools. It made my childhood kind of rough. Then, my junior year of high school, I learned something. I learned to surrender.
It sounds odd. It sounds like I'm giving up. I'm not. That is not what I mean by surrender.
When I say surrender, I mean to stop letting negativity hurt me. I know things are going to be rough. It happens. Life has been known to stink at times. So instead of preoccupying myself with pain and negativity, I say to myself, "It is what it is." Then I can focus on what's really important. My friends. My family. The people I love.
Surrender. Nine letters. It's my word. Think about what your word would be.
Thanks.
Tyler

Stitches

So recently, I've battled with being able to speak out. Interesting thought, right? Tyler, unable to speak?
Insanity. But it's true. I've found myself preferring to stick to myself. To not risk offending someone. To not even share my opinion. On anything. On faith, on friendship, on family, even on things that concern me.
I'd rather just keep my mouth shut than try to change things. Yes, my name is Tyler, and I'm a coward sometimes.
I think everyone has gone or will go through a time where they feel like they have no voice, yet don't want to speak out. We don't want to risk offending those around us.
This turns us into surgeons. We become professionals at stitching our mouths shut. We don't speak out on our beliefs. We get scared and prefer to hide under the radar.
I've had lots of physical stitches. I've had a hand crushed even. The worst and best part of stitches is one single event, in my experience.
Removing them. It hurts. They feel like they're pulling out from the tips of your toes. But, as soon as they are out, You get that relief. The feeling of freedom. Knowing your wound is healed enough. It hurts, but then it feels so good.
I'm trying to get one simple message across. Speak up. You are given a voice for a reason. If you have a faith, tell others about it. If you have an opinion, voice it. Just don't move those stitches from your mouth to your ears. Be open to what other people say. Learn where their beliefs come from. Listen and speak when appropriate.
Thanks.
Tyler

Think

So, lately I've picked up a habit. There's a graveyard out in the middle of nowhere that I like. It's a good quiet spot. I go there to think.
I've been asked why. My roommate summed it up perfectly. Nothing bad happens there. No shootings, no violence. No hatred. Nothing.
This graveyard is still. It's oddly always brightly lit despite the lack of lighting. Most of all, for me, It's silent. I am a busy individual. I balance full time school, full time clubs, church, working on my new jeep, friends, and of course, chores. I am always busy. I don't relax much.
This graveyard is a sanctuary to me. It is kind of morbid, but it gives me undisturbed thinking time.
Oddly enough, it gave me an idea. Everyone needs a quiet spot where they can sit and reflect. I had an ex girlfriend who has a rock in her backyard she would sit on. I know people who run, or go on bike rides for this very reason.
Find a spot. Somewhere you can relax and reflect. Bring a good book. Leave your phone, your laptop, your ipod. Unplug from the word. And just relax.
Thanks.
Tyler

Overwhelmed

So I'm overwhelmed. I have a lot of things that I'm managing right now.
I'm hurting because I asked someone I love to stop talking to me so we don't have to suffer being friends after a breakup. I'm almost positive she thinks I hate her. I can't even tell her what's really going on in my head. I wish I hadn't said it. I just wish I could tell her I did it because I love her and don't want to keep hurting her.
I am a student leader in a club now. I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't really have anyone to reach out to for help and support. I look at the other student leaders and they are just as clueless.
I have a lot of more personal things going on. I have until november to move out and I can't find a job. Everyone has happily said no. I guess I understand, but I need to work.
I feel bad. I realized today that I haven't told my dad I love him in years because I couldn't get past my hatred for him. And now I can't. I don't see him. When I see him, I can't say anything.
I hate this feeling. I'm in between stages of my life and I'm so confused. I just wish I knew what to do.
Sorry for the less than upbeat tone. Thanks for reading.
Tyler

Nothing's what it seems

Nothing's what it seems has been a phrase rocking around my head for a while now. It's an odd thing for someone who believes in reality as firmly as I do. I don't like over-analyzing things I see. I prefer relaxing and accepting what happens around me.
This works, but only to a point. I have a tendency to trust in circumstances. And I hide in that trust. I build that trust up. Then I live in it.That's all well and fine, but it kind of sucks. Circumstances tend to break down. They fall apart when you depend on them for happiness.
This phrase means more to me than just that. It's a big deal to me. I tend to not look past the surface of things. Mostly because I just don't care. I said it. I just don't care to look past the facade in most cases. If it doesn't affect me, it isn't important.
"Wow, he's selfish. What a jerk." Yep, you think exactly how I do sometimes. Not looking past that facade, though, is bad. Not only can it hurt you, it hurts others, too. I see a smiling face, and assume nothing is wrong. I see someone walking along and assume they don't have time to talk.
Now, look at your life. Do you do that?
Thanks for reading.
Tyler.
PS- Answer it. And see how you can change that.

Dreams Away

Ever have dreams? A wife, a house, 2.3 kids, a dog, etc like some people? What about big ones? Finding that perfect person. Becoming successful. Being rich.
I've had those dreams. I held onto them for a long time, saying, "This will happen for me." I wanted my dreams to come true. As unrealistic as they were. Ever trick yourself into believing something is right? And that no matter what happens, that thing will always be there?
I figured I had something perfect. I was inches away from realizing some dreams of mine that I had held onto for so long. I'd just figured that it couldn't go wrong. Well, it did.
I had a pretty big change occur in my life. Basically, I got turned upside down. Everything I had built and structured my life for, everything I had spent the past two years structuring my life around, and everything I had truly sacrificed for, kinda fell away.
Does it hurt? Yeah. Does it make me cry? Yes. I cry about it. Is it a good thing? Yes.
Sometimes, you have dreams that are only going to end badly. Yes, I am 18 and a complete cynic. Sorry if I'm bringing you down, but there is a point.
We set ourselves up. We put our eyes on things that are unattainable. That car, that girl, that job. It happens. We are human. It's kind of expected. I'm greedy sometimes. I want things I know I can't have. I want the impossible. Sometimes, those dreams aren't what's good for you. As good as they seem, they'll just hurt.
Word of advice, if following a dream like that repeatedly hurts you, and you just keep ignoring the hurt and keep pushing on, you should stop. If it's like that, you're most likely setting yourself up for a big fall. I've had enough big falls, and I want to help others because of it.
Thanks.
Tyler

Passive

I've been thinking alot. It's odd though. I'm thinking differently than I used to.
I like it and hate it. i'm realizing alot. I know alot of people who aren't living their lives. They just go through the motions. They walk around staring blankly at things. It makes me sad.
I spent a long time like that. I just didn't care what was happening, because my pain was worse than everything else in the world. Yep, I was and still am selfish. This passive tendency is pretty widespread. And it isn't even a long term thing. Ever have a day where you just go through the motions?
Every day needs to be lived better than the last. I've taken to thinking about how tomorrow will be better than today. It helps to wake up with a smile on your face. It feels good thinking positively. I like it. It gives me a reason to walk around and talk to everyone. To smile at people. To just step out.
In short, life is an active thing. You can't sit back and expect to have things get better. You just can't. You'll end up staying inside your shell, hurting. Live life. Don't do.
Thanks.
Tyler

Missing

I've been missing. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Physically is the easiest to describe. Since I moved out, I never see my younger siblings. They miss me and text often, but it is not the same. I feel bad every morning when I get up. And feel bad when I lay down for sleep and don't hear them running around and causing havoc. It stinks.
Mentally, I'm just as bad. I've caught myself alot lately, just sitting in class or in the lounges at school, just staring blankly off. I find myself disengaged from everything around me. It makes it hard. I pride myself on my relationships and when I'm mentally not there, I feel like I let everyone around me down. I'm rude to my roommate, I blow off close friends, and I just stop caring about my classes.
Emotionally, I'm the worst. I can't seem to tell if I'm happy, sad, mad, or really anything. I'm not emotionally drained, just emotionally absent. I haven't been here. I've had quite a week.
I hate getting to this point. I truly do. I work really hard to stay together, like most people do, so it isn't easy to see myself falling down again.
What I'm getting at is to stay strong. Just because you're falling, don't let yourself fall into the trap of giving up. The biggest obstacle in getting better is starting. Once you start, keep going. Just don't give up.
Stay strong.
Tyler

Judged

Ever been judged? Everyone has. Whether negative or positive, judging affects the judged. You naturally judge someone when you see them. It's a hard habit to break.
You judge whether someone is going to be a friend almost at first sight. Whether they scare you. Whether they are good or bad. Even after just meeting someone, you still judge them by their actions.
Most of the time we don't think first. We don't think about what someone has been through. We don't think about their pasts. We don't think, yet we judge.
It hurts to be judged. I grew up in a bit of a rough situation. Never really had money. We didn't always live in nice places. As a result, I matured faster. I always looked meaner than I actually am. People avoided me, thinking there is no way I could actually be a nice guy.
Sometimes, I'm a jerk, but I do my best to be a nice guy to everyone I meet. I work really hard on disproving my demeanor. It still hurts when someone sees me and sees the harley shirt, boots, and the chain on my wallet, and give me room when they walk past me in a hallway.
Wait and think. Get to know someone before you write them off.
Thanks.
Tyler

Soften your heart

I'm learning. It's normal for a college sophomore to learn. I guess.
I'm not really learning academically though. I'm still in easy classes that require a minimum of effort. I'm learning about people. Learning about people and why they do what they do.
I used to judge people's actions. Not like right or wrong, but why they do things. I know a guy who has done some really bad things. He's bitter about them. He's always done his best for me. He's been a friend for a long time.
He has issues with anger though. And tends to alienate the ones who look up to him. We had a big fight about a month ago. I haven't talked to him since. I got angry. And bitter about how he treats the ones he loves.
I've seen him twice sinde then. Once was when I went to his house to pick up some of my things. When I got there, he walked outside. I got mad again. He couldn't even look at me. The second time was at a dinner. I sat across from him and he didn't even look at me. It hurt. I passed it off as him being a jerk.
Recently, I've been mulling over these things and I realized something. My ideas of how a friendship should be are sometimes a little unfair. I expect to get what I give, and some people can't give what I want them too.
It's a hard lesson. I'm a naturally bitter person. I find it hard to forgive. I did figure out that I need a softer heart. I'm too mean to people. Too unforgiving. I still can't talk to this guy and say that I forgive him and mean it. I just can't.
I need to soften my heart. Everyone does though. Everyone has issues with forgiveness. Forgiving others, forgiving themselves. We are raised with hearts hardened to "survive". We are taught to be tough.
I'm not perfect. Believe me, I want to share this because what helps me, can help other people too. That's what this blog is about.
Thanks.
Tyler

Lonely

I've been feeling lonely these past few weeks. It's odd. I'm not lonely in a personal sense, I'm surrounded by people, but it's almost emotional.
I don't know why. It's a feeling of restlessness. It's a feeling of recklessness. It's hard to explain. The closest feeling is loneliness. I don't know what to do. I feel trapped.
I feel like I'm stuck in a spot. A hole. And I can't seem to get out. I guess the loneliness comes from feeling that nobody can help me out.
This post isn't going to be advice. It's me thinking out loud. Or I guess visually, depending on how literal you want to be. I guess I'm asking for help.
I have had tons of things happen lately. It's been a stressful month to say the very least. I've had a lot of bad happen. I've also had a lot of good. I've learned alot about myself. I've become a slightly better person. I've become better at expressing myself, emotionally, verbally, etc.
I just don't know what this feeling is. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks.
Tyler

Strength

I pride myself on my physical strength. I love it. I've been working out for years. It's an amazing feeling. I'm physically strong because lifting weights/sports was my way of escape. I used it to get away from reality.
I spent years thinking that if you were physically strong, you could do anything. It didn't matter.
About two years ago, I realized how wrong I was. I noticed that I'd had almost no good memories with friends. Really, no friends at all.
It was a hard realization. I was so independent of everything else, that I didn't even try to be happy. I thought I was strong enough to make it on my own.
I didn't know that I had almost no emotional strength. I'd blocked myself in. Blocked everyone else out. I didn't want friends, because they couldn't help me more than I could help myself.
I was antisocial. People were scared of me. I wouldn't talk to people. I wouldn't smile. I would sit in class and participate the bare minimum. Looking back, I scare myself.
I was like this for almost a year. I met a girl who I just connected with. She reminded me of me. She had the same look in her eyes that I saw in the mirror every day. We started talking more. Found out we come from similar pasts. We also figured out that we relied on ourselves and didn't let anyone else in.
We kept talking. I started to realize that I need other people. I didn't realize how empty my life was until I saw it in someone else. It was rough.
Our lives are all about relationships. Our friends support us more than we know. Sometimes it takes losing it all to figure out that you had it all. Your life isn't all about you. You affect more than just you. What you do affects everyone around you. A smile could brighten someone's day.
Don't be scared to let someone in. Even if it's just a little bit. That person may need strength.
Life isn't about physical strength. It's about emotional strength. Without emotional strength, we're empty. We need other people, too. We aren't strong on our own.
Thanks
Tyler

Still

Ever have someone in your life that you think is the reason you're living? Someone who could make you feel invincible?
There was a girl in my life not too long ago who fulfilled this role for me. She was the reason I smiled in the morning waking up. She was the first person I'd hug. She was the last person I'd text at night. I came to depend on her. She became a drug to me.
I would go a while without seeing her and I'd go through withdrawal in a way. I'd not be in the best mood, I'd be snappy to friends, I'd not be myself.
This girl was the center of my life. She helped me through more things than I can count. She was a voice of reason. She became more important to me than me.
What I'm getting at is that I have issues focusing my life. I have issues finding a center for my life. I don't think this is too uncommon a problem. We put things in higher places than what they deserved. This girl got the highest position in my life. Above myself. Above my faith.
We tend to idolize people and things. We put them on huge pedestals. Especially when we aren't doing well. We try to put them before ourselves.
One thing I've learned is that you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. It sounds narcissistic, we have to forgive ourselves and love ourselves. Otherwise we tend to think less of ourselves and put ourselves below those around us.
Thanks for reading.
Tyler

Slavery

This weekend I went on a camp/retreat thing. It was a blast. I found out I can trapshoot like none other. And that food is always good grilled. And that Dutch Blitz is the perfect game for anyone with ADD. During this weekend, I made a ton of new friends. I learned a lot about myself, too.
I learned that I am strong. I am determined. I learned that I am the one who holds myself back.
This past month has been severely stressful. Between moving out, losing my job, and a few other things, I've been pretty down. I've let these things bring me down and hold me back.
I'm a slave. I worry about everything. I'm stressed about so much, I can't hardly think. I'm angry about things I see as being injustices to me. I'm sad about friends leaving for basic training. I'm bitter about past mistakes. Worry, stress, anger, sadness,  and bitterness. How many of you deal with any of these?
When you hold onto these things, they control you. I had a talk with a man over the weekend that cut past the bone. I haven't had the best relationship with my father lately. We couldn't talk without it turning into an argument or full hollering match. Finally we had an argument where I had to leave.
I'm not going to lie. I am mad about this. It hurt walking down the road with my clothes in two bags.
I let those things hurt me. I started letting them control me. I made a decision to never kick my kids out. Not the worst decision, but I decided so because my parents did it, and I didn't want to do what they did. Not because of right and wrong.
When you let things people have done make you decide things a certain way, you are being a slave. When you hold onto things that have been done or happened to you, you are a slave. Slavery is still around. We're all slaves at some point, whether it's depression, anger, bitterness, or any other number of things. And it's hard to let go. I'm a Christian. I believe that you can't do it on your own. Prayer is the key. Thanks for reading.
Tyler

Sleepless

So lately I've been running on about two hours of sleep. I don't know why. I can't seem to relax. It isn't that I'm not tired, or that I'm busy, I just can't sleep. I'm restless.
It's an odd feeling. I think it means my life will change soon. I think something big is about to happen in my life, be it good or bad.
It's hard to not think like that. To think in black in white. A change can only be good or bad. Why can't it be both? There has to be some positive. There has to be something to learn from it.
I'm pretty notorious for being negative. I'm a shameless cynic most of the time. I have issues seeing the good in things. I prefer the bad. I can handle bad things. Good things are harder for me to react to. I get overloaded, I guess you could say.
Recently, I got kicked out of the house. My father and I had a fight, and he told me to leave. I found a place to stay. I have a new home. This happening has made me consider a lot of things though. I believe.  I'll be moving back to Alabama soon for college (or at least I hope). I think I'll also start running more. And work on being a better friend.
So thanks for reading my random thoughts for the night.
Tyler

I forgive you

Hey guys, this post will have some explicit language. If that offends you, I'm sorry. It's exactly how I've felt lately.I didn't censor any of it.













Lately I've been angry. About a lot of things. I read a blog the other day. It was written by someone who deals with a lot of bitterness. The blog made this person feel better after writing it, so I stole the idea.

To the people and friends who judge me for my past.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the man that taught me that I'll never be good enough.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the teachers that told me my opinions don't matter.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To myself for holding onto pain so as to not feel love.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the people who never care to look past my mask and get to know me.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the woman who did all she could to drive me and my hero apart.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the teacher that told me I got through all of my classes on luck and not intelligence.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the person I love but can't hate.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the man who told me I look uncivilized.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.
Sorry for blocking you on facebook.

To the girl who broke my trust.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.
I'm sorry.

To the girl who made me change my ways.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the friends who have supported me fully these past few weeks,
I love you.
Thank you.

To the people I don't even know who have been a shoulder to lean on.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the man that's pushing me to get a job.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the girl who taught me why I need to live.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the one who taught me crying is alright.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the man that jumped up to grab my hand when he first met me.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the family who took me in as their own when I had nowhere to go.
I love you.
Thank you.
It means more than words can ever express.

To the girl with cancer: You are gorgeous. Don't ever forget it. You're an inspiration to me.
I love you.
Thank you and keep it up.

To my cat-loving friend, thanks for making me feel like a good friend and person.
I love you.
Thank you.


To the teacher who has to read my creative writing assignments this semester.
I love you.
Thank you.
Forgive me.

To the girl who I couldn't say hi back to today.
I love you.
Forgive me.

To that same girl, I wish things didn't end up so badly.
I still love you.
Forgive me even if I don't deserve it.

To the friend who I've ignore all week because I'm hurting too much.
I love you.
Forgive me.

To my hero, sorry I spent most of my life rejecting you.
I love you.
Forgive me.

To the one person who was there when I needed the most help and I left in the cold.
I love you.
Forgive me.

To the brother who wronged me one time, sorry for removing you from my life.
I miss and love you.
Forgive me.
And let's ship up to Boston sometime.

To my little sister- I'm sorry we fought, but I want to make things right.
I miss and love you.
Forgive me.

I have learned that forgiveness is the key of letting go. Letting go of the bitterness, the anger, the hatred, lets you become the person you should be. It frees you from yourself, and the trap that we tend to form when we're down and not feeling strong. We have a tendency to hold onto pain. When we feel pain, we can ignore the good things around us. We're selfish by nature.  When we focus on the good in life, the love that surrounds us, the beauty of life, that pain fades. The bitterness goes away. It's not easy. It's hard. It's worth it though. It's worth going through.
Thanks for reading.
Tyler

Ghosts

Last night, two friends and I decided to walk around some creepy things. Hawthorne pool is pretty creepy at night, just saying. Before we decided to do this, we had spent two hours talking about haunted places, and random ghost encounters.
Needless to say, we scared ourselves. There are some odd phenomena that occur around those parts. I just woke up, and was reflecting on the events of last night and the random shadow that disconnects from walls, and I started thinking of old things that had stuck with me.
Not everyone believes in ghosts or hauntings. Actually, most people laugh it off as paranoia. But, take a second and think. Do you have any old memories that are stuck in your mind? Any old experiences that you get reminded of daily? Any old pain that you can't let go? If you answered yes to any of these, you're human. Congratulations.
We're haunted as humans. Haunted by pain. Haunted by family. Haunted by school. Haunted by that girl who's smile makes your day. We're haunted. We don't want to let go. Our past hangs around our shoulders like gangs of ghosts. We let these ghosts bog us down, and drag us under. We are haunted by our own ghosts. Ghosts we've allowed to latch onto our backs.
Lately, I've had a pretty heavy step. And a lot of weight on my shoulders. Some of it is me just hanging to old things, some is just things that have just happened.
I'm not going to tell you guys what to do to let go and "exorcise" your ghosts. Frankly, I don't even know where to start with my own. It's something I struggle with more than I care to admit. So instead of my normal advice, I'll just ask. How do you think you can get rid of your ghosts. Comment on here if you'd like. I'd appreciate any ideas. Thanks for reading,
Tyler