Screwing up.

I grew up early. Loss does that to you. Dad was always working or sleeping. My birth mother sat by while my brother and I were beaten. I guess it all kind of screwed me up.
I learned how to ruin things in my life at an early age. I did pretty well at it. It carried into my early teen years. I found alcohol and pills. I ruined friendships. I ruined my education. I ruined how I react around people. I ruined my perception of life.
Tonight I feel like I'm about to explode.
Ever have a moment where every negative thing that has happened to you in the close/apparent past decides to just hit you at once in one big splash of unpleasantness?
It's happening tonight to me. I feel unglued, high strung. I hurt, and I'm numb.
Talking to a really close friend, I realized I don't know any escapes anymore. All of my relaxation spots got ruined by memories of an ex girlfriend for me.That left me with nothing positive. I learned that alcohol, drugs, and sex are all terrific escapes if one doesn't care to pay any mind to consequences.
Really, they only make everything worse. One of the last times I drank, I woke up bloody with a concussion. Last time I did pills I gave my best friend every reason to hate me. Last girl I got even close to intimate to, I can't even talk to anymore because it ruined our relationship and friendship.
I even seem to be able to screw up ways to unwind and escape. Sometimes, this isn't the worst thing.
Maybe it's good I woke up bloody. I sure learned from it.
Maybe it's good my ex and I stopped talking. She was only holding me back from moving on.
Maybe it's good that best friend and I ended up like we did. Made me realize loss can't always be ignored.
Sometimes we focus too much on escaping and not enough on making things right.
Tyler.