Hiding

I feel that I've been hiding. I've been hiding in a few senses.
I've been avoiding friends. I'm slow to reply to texts. I send short answers back to discourage further conversation.
I've been hiding mentally. I'm not trying in classes anymore. I stopped wanting to be the standout student who knows everything. I'm hiding what I can do from my teachers.
I'm hiding emotionally. I hung out with a close friend for coffee recently and all she saw was me being happy and bubbly like normal. Inside I was dying. I was hurting so bad and was so low I felt like I was under a carpet. She had no idea until she asked a few days later. She made me cry when she sent the words "I'm sorry" six times on facebook chat. The fact that my hiding made someone else feel guilty is where this started to hurt.
I don't like other people feeling guilty. I don't tell people when I need things because if they can't help, they might feel bad. And that hurts me. I don't want people feeling bad because they can't help me. I can't even help me sometimes. The part that hurts me the most is that I'm so good at hiding my feelings that she had no idea what was really going on.
I want to stop hiding. I really do. But it's pretty hard to get over the fear of being vulnerable. I don't like being vulnerable. In fact, I hate it.
But I know if I ever want to get better, I have to be vulnerable. I have to break the walls down. I have to.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Remember

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my past.

I've remembered things I wish I hadn't. I remember things that hurt. I remember things that were good. I remember being happy. I remember wishing I was dead. I remember being on the borderline.

I did bad things for good reasons.
I did good things for bad reasons.
I live in an aftermath of past actions.

I remember staying alive just to keep one person alive. I remember not eating so everyone else could.
I remember hiding things as a child. Keeping them from everyone else.
I remember sacrifice and selfishness.
Love and hate.
Sanity and pain.

I kept it all in.
Why let it out?
It kills, you know.
I let it all out.
It kills, you know.

I gave everything for nothing.
Expected everything.

I guess I'm cursed.
The memories swirl.
They stab.
They heal.

I made a friend.
I broke her heart.
I hated with my love.

All in all, saying what's said,
It's real.
The pain.
The love.
The heat.

Memory is a fire, burning what it needs.
It may take your sleep.
Maybe your heart.
But if you don't remember, what's accomplished?

Alive

Today I realized something amazing.
I am alive. Living, breathing, feeling, fighting.
I am here. I'm not absent. I'm not walking through life going through motions. I have a lot of pain right now, but I can still feel. I'm not numb anymore.
As much as I don't like what's going on in my life right now, it could be worse. I could be that zombie I used to be. I could just not feel anymore.
I think things are turning around. Sure, I'm borderline homeless, basically unemployed, and struggling to make it and even eat some nights, but at least I'm trying.
Thanks for the support, friends.
Tyler

Saving the Day

Two nights ago, a friend I hadn't talked to in months told me that I'm an amazing person. I didn't take this well, because I tend to disagree.
Later she told me that she's glad she talked to me because she was about to go down a bad road. One that was self-destructive and dangerous. She said it was the second time I had saved the day.
My first reaction was that I am a superhero. Just kidding. It made me think. It made me realize that when I'm being positive and making an effort to help, I can actually help people.
It was humbling. I realized that I was still being self-centered.
The whole situation arose after a girl I've spent the last month talking to and trying to get together with told me she may be in love. With someone else. It was upsetting. I sent a message to the above-mentioned girl because she seemed down and upset.
Out of this negativity, I feel I have regained a friendship that I figured was all but lost. She told me I had saved the day.
I believe she saved mine.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Fearless

What scares you?
Heights?
Spiders?
Clowns?
Talking to the girl you really like?
Failing a class?
What scares you?
It's an easy question. It really is. I'm scared of me. I'm scared of loss. Pain. Rejection. My family. My past. The future. I'm scared of a lot more.
It's almost easy to admit what you're scared of. Almost. But it can be done. It's really easy to ignore your fears and pretend they aren't there until a situation presents itself. It's easy to brush them under the carpet, hide them in the closet.
How easy is it to push past them, though? Is it easy to go skydiving if heights terrify you? Is it easy to share your feelings for someone if you're scared of rejection?
I don't find these things easy. I consider myself an average person. Normal things affect me normal ways. I have a question in this.
How do we face these fears? How do we gather up the courage to do these things that may hurt us? How can we be strong in the face of adversity?
Is it possible to be fearless?
Thanks.
Tyler.

Dying to live.

I've been living life backwards. I should be dying to live. Instead, I'm living to die. I walk around every day. I have the same routine. I go to the same places. I talk to the same people. I have the same conversation every day.
I've stopped seeking new things. I've stopped wanting to. I want to stay right where I am. I don't want change because change isn't safe.
This mentality has stopped me from asking this girl out and it's driving me nuts. Hopefully she doesn't read this. It'd be awkward because she'll know who she is. But my need to get this out is greater.
I have held myself back from life. I've held myself back from healing.
Not an easy revelation to have. I want to live again. I want fun. I want change. I want better for myself.
Thanks.
Tyler

Why I fight.

I've been fighting most of my life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I've boxed, wrestled, played football, and other sports. I've taken the hardest classes in school just because I wanted a challenge. I've had so many things happen that I regret that it's a daily struggle to look past them all. My faith is challenged every day, and not just by those around me.
Some weeks, it's a wonder that I'm still  going, even to me.
This past week has been no exception. In fact, it's been one of the hardest weeks I can remember. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually more than anything else. I'm about to fail my biology class. I lost two relationships by my own fault. I can't find the strength to tell this girl I think she's amazing. I can't tell her she's the kind of country that I miss from home. Spiritually, I can't even begin to start. I've nearly lost all scraps of faith I had. I don't know how to repair this. Any of it.
I don't feel strong enough. I feel like I'm falling and got knocked out before I even threw a punch.
I feel like I've given it all, but haven't been given a try at anything better.
But I'm going to keep fighting. I know that if I just lay down and take it, it'll get worse. But if I fight and keep fighting to survive, pretty soon I'll be stronger than before.
I fight because I love life. As hard as it is to admit some days, I love being alive.
I'm fighting.
I'm alive.
This is why I fight.
It boils down to love.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Promises

Lately I've broken a lot of promises. I made promises when I was stronger and now can't fulfill them.
I told a girl once that I would ALWAYS be there for her. No matter what time of the day or night. No matter what circumstance. I loved this girl with all of my heart, and still do.
Tonight I had to tell her I couldn't keep doing this. I hate that I did it. I really do. It's the lowest I've felt in a long time.
Sometimes we don't have the strength to carry through with all of our promises. Sometimes, we hurt so bad when we are fulfilling them that we can't keep going. It hurts. It feels like you're abandoning someone. It feels like you're lower than the carpet. But sometimes it is necessary. You can't make anyone else happy unless you are happy first. I've learned a lesson in this.
I can't promise someone the world because I can't give them the world. I am human and can only give so much. And it hurts to admit. But I, Tyler Fox, am human.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Screaming

It's been rough lately. Finding a place to live, dealing with the lack of money, dealing with my job cutting all of my hours, losing my vehicle, etc. It's been hard on me. I'm strong, but I'm weak.
I feel like I'm screaming. Screaming for help, for solace, for comfort, for love, for something. Anything.
I haven't heard any thing back. I've wanted to give up. Scratch that.
I want to give up.
I want to tell the world that it wins.
I want to tell all of the people who seem to have made a mission out of bringing me down that they've succeeded.
I want to tell everyone that I can't do this anymore.
I want to tell myself that I'm done.
I've screamed until my voice has given out. Like an actor who's given everything he has and sacrificed everything so he can get by.
I've thrown myself off of a cliff chasing what felt like life. I've lost friendships. I've made a jackass out of myself. I've failed to stay true to who I am and who those close to me know me to be.
I'm just musing at this point. I don't want a pity party. I just want to get this out.
It hurts holding things in. It does. I know why I did for so long. The one person I trust fully and without question, I can't talk to anymore.
One of the only male role models I have seems to be unavailable all the time. It also seems that when I talk to him he's just tolerating it. Even my roommate seems to be barely tolerating me. It hurts.
I made a new friend, but I can't seem to tell her everything I'm feeling because some of it is identical to what she's feeling.
I can't even talk to a girl I had become really interested in.

"I'm falling apart again." Shinedown, "Shed some light"

I'm pushing people away. My best friend. My brother. Even me.
And the worst thing's that I don't know how to fix this one.
I don't know how to believe in them.
I don't know how to believe in my faith.
I don't know how to believe in me.
I'm just screaming to what feels like an empty room.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Goodnight.
Tyler.

Storm

I'm in the middle of a storm. I see everything around me crashing down. I've lost all of my important possessions. I feel trapped.
I'm uncomfortable. I'm scrambling. I just want out.

I've realized I'm like a tree though. My feet are rooted to the ground. I can't just walk away from this.
My arms that flail in resistance just catch the wind and bend me farther and farther.
I have to stand in place.

In the process of losing, you learn to give.
You learn to give everything you can, because it'll all fall away anyway.
It's sad. But it's necessary.

Understand

Yesterday I had someone tell me that they're glad I understand her. She has been having a rough time lately. When she said this, I replied that I care enough to understand.
I've realized that I don't understand a lot of people around me. I also realized that I haven't cared. I don't care to know and understand the people around me.
A great realization to have about yourself, right?
I don't like this about myself. I know a lot of things about me need improved. I think caring about those around me is pretty high on the list.
I think this is a widespread problem. How many people do you understand, and care about enough to want to  understand? How many people around you do you not understand? Which number is bigger? These are questions for you to ask yourself.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Assurance

"You need assurance that everything's gonna be fine." "Assurance" Hurt.

This band has inspired a lot of my posts. They have songs that are easily connected to. They strike a chord with me.
The chorus of the song is what hits me in this case. I have been having a rough couple of weeks. I've needed encouraged, hugged, loved, and all the rest. And I'm still kind of down.
But I'm better than I was. Knowing that even last night, a really close friend woke up at 1 am to text me and calm me down really helped. I was so stressed.
We all need assurance. All of us. Whether we notice it or not. When someone tells us that everything will be alright and that we're going to be fine, it helps.
No matter what you're going through, it'll be alright. It gets better. Remember to stay hopeful. Stay positive. Stay strong.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Omission

A girl you know is hurting. She's panicking. She feels lost. You see her and you know she's upset.
But you don't even ask what's wrong.
This girl commits suicide.
You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything at all.
That's a pretty dramatic example, but it holds true. We see things we could help with all of the time. A door needs held. Someone drops their books. Instead of getting involved, we step away.
It's not wrong because we had no part in it. Obviously none of the consequences are our fault.
We have a tendency to ignore what's going on in people's lives unless we are directly involved. It's none of our business. We should let them deal with it.
When something goes wrong, do we have any fault? Does us stepping back and not doing anything to help make us guilty in any way?
Thanks.
Tyler.

pt 6

Sorry about the break. I've been busy, and you'll see why towards the end of this post.

So school started a month later. The month preceding school was packed. My best friend left for basic training for the Air Force. Donny, I'm proud of you. I also grew really close to another friend. He was having girl problems. He didn't know how to approach the problems and it drove him nuts. He became my little brother.
At the same time, I asked Isobella to delete my number from her phone. I blocked her on Skype and removed her on Facebook. I didn't want contact with her for any reason.
I did this for two main reasons. One, it hurt. It hurt to see her and get texts from her and all of that stuff. It hurt a lot. She was mine and I had lost her. Every time I saw her it was a reminder of what I didn't have anymore and what I won't have again.
Two, I didn't want her to feel anything like what I felt. I removed myself from her life. I wanted her to find someone better than me. I am broke. Don't have any money. Can't hardly provide for myself. I want her to find someone with money who is better than me, nicer than me, and who can do good for her. And that hurts, too.
I gave up on her. But I love her. I want better for her than I feel I can give.
At the same time, I stopped talking to Jane. I don't know why. I just did. I'm still ashamed of this. I feel like I abandoned two of the most important things in my life. No, I did abandon the two most important people in my life. I'm a great guy.
I would see both at church. So I stopped going to church. There was no point. I'd lost my blood family, lost my best friends, had nothing to call mine but a bag of clothes and a ceramic box that was made for me. What's the point in believing in God when you have nothing left?
I fell back into depression. And bad. So bad that I couldn't look at a knife and I was scared to drive. I also became really self-destructive in my workouts. I pushed friends away. I stopped texting them. I stopped posting on facebook. I even stopped posting on my blog. I hated every second.
Then school started. Last year, I sat in a secluded corner. I didn't talk to anyone. I just sat with headphones in and went to classes. This year, I decided I needed to change. Being by myself was bad. Led to dark thoughts. So I started sitting in the loudest part of the college. Everyone learned my name. I got nicknamed "The Beard". I was loud and social with everyone. I hated myself. I was so fake.
I got a check. I went and bought a jeep. And then it broke down. I lost it, too. I found a new apartment. I was short money, but I found a roommate. We planned it all out. It was going to work out.
I joined a Christian group as a leader. I hated myself for it. I wasn't in the position to help out with anything of the sort, but I couldn't let the other leaders down. There was a retreat planned. I decided to go. The week before the retreat I had given up. On everything. School, friends, money, and life.
I was suicidal.
A friend called me the thursday before. He wanted to hang out. He saved my life that night. Without knowing. I talked to him at the retreat and told him. He hugged me. The retreat was good for me. It was quiet. And relaxing. It helped. I realized that I had been being stupid. I cried for hours after I realized what I had been doing.
I had given up. Me. The guy who tells everyone else to stay strong. The guy who wants to help everyone else get better.
It was tough.
I made some decisions. One, talk to Isobella again. Two, see if I can still help Jane. Three, be strong for myself.
After the retreat, I spent a whole week working on myself. I know, long time. The next weekend there was another retreat going on. I decided to help out with it. I wrote letters to all of the people there. I even made them a cake.
The cake was interesting. I spent hours making it look real. It was styrafoam. Haha. I thought it was brilliant. I met a girl. Her name is Lucy.
I seem to have adopted her. She's my little sister. She reminds me of me. She also helps me alot. She gives me hugs when she sees me. And sends random texts checking on me. (Heavily appreciated, by the way).
This past week, I have been having major issues with money. Trying to gather nearly a thousand dollars after people you bank on back out with no explanation is hard. I've had so much stress this week. I had a friend, _____, who gave me $100 to help out. He's amazing. I'm finally moved in. Haven't paid the whole bill. I still owe $450 for this month and $275 for next, but I'm working on it. Today is November 2. I think I'll be ok.
Thanks for reading this. This has been hard to write. I thank you for reading all six parts. Originally it was supposed to be two... But thank you.
Tyler.