The way she feels....

"Then she closed her eyes, Found relief in a knife." - "The way she feels" by Between the Trees

This song is amazing. I found it on accident, and it's been in my head since. It starts out with a girl who's had a long day. She goes to a drawer to get a knife. She can't find hers. She uses another as an escape from her emotional pain. It talks about her feeling alone and like there's nothing and noone there for her.
This feeling of being alone is pretty common. It's a feeling that just about everyone gets at least once, whether after a breakup, a fight, or whatever. It's a feeling of emotional desolation.
The girl in the song has this pain. She hurts. Hurts so bad that she feels that cutting herself will help bleed the pain away. Pain doesn't help you escape from pain. It just adds more. It's a temporary distraction. It's an addiction..
While it does feel like when you start, you can't stop, you can. The song ends in an amazing way. A guy comes into her life. He shows her there is love in the world. He shows her there is redemption.
This song isn't a fairy tale. It's real and possible. It's not easy to stop. I have a close friend who struggled with cutting. She fights the urge every day. She's gone two months without so far, and she's still counting. While it isn't impossible, it is hard. You can't beat feelings like that on your own. You need someone to hold on to. Someone to help you.
Find someone to hold on to. Somebody you can text in the middle of the night.  Do it even if you aren't struggling with any problems.  You never know what will happen tomorrow. It never hurts to be surrounded by people who love you. Thanks.
Tyler

Family

I saw a post on facebook the other night. It said family doesn't have to be blood. It's the people that are always there for you. The ones that will drop everything to come help you.
This is true. I look on my facebook, and see the list of nearly 20 people I consider family. These people all help me. They are amazing. Without them, I just couldn't deal. They do too much for me.
Alot of people say they are alone. That nobody cares for them. I beg to differ. If they were to go around, ask some people that they know really well, at least one will say they're family. At least one. These are the people you need to hold on to.
My Ma said to me that family is all you'll have at the end of the day. Family sticks with you. As a disclaimer, not all blood relations are always family. Some will abandon you. I have a large number of my family that I don't consider family. But the people who treat you special, the ones who will wake up at three in the morning to text you, those are the ones you need to stick to.
Thanks, and sorry for the big break,
Tyler

Happy

Today I'm happy. I finished my math final. It was painful, but I did. I also sold back some textbooks and made $160. So big smile on my face. I also don't have to work all weekend because I have no more school. It's such a good day.
These things make me happy, but it's not a permanent happy. I smiled for a little, but now it's just another day again. The money is great, until it gets spent. Then it's disappointing, but what use is it to just save money and never spend it? It's a catch-22. It's a temporary thing. I have more fun and I'm happier when I'm with my girlfriend or hanging out with other friends.
Those things make me smile still. I have so many good memories with friends and none with spending money. None. Money doesn't bring me happiness. It brings stress. It brings decisions that stop me from enjoying life.
Money is cool, but not what I need. I need quality time with friends. I need things that matter. things that will still be here no matter what our government does. I need love.
Thanks,
Tyler.

Et Al

The title of this one is an homage to a favorite band of mine. They have a song called "Et al" that is about pleasing others. It says,

 "Dance puppet boy. If you do a good job
Then they'll want you again, give it all that you got
Show them the joy and the pain and the ending
And then do it again and we'll all start pretendings
To pay more attention to what's aforementioned
And you bob your head 'cause you're not even listening.
A very small few of you even get meanings
But laugh, clown boy, laugh 'cause it's always so pleasing."

This song is really hard-hitting to me. It has a tough message. It speaks from the perspective of society. Society tells us, "Hey, if you do what we say, you'll be accepted."  The worst part is that we actually care. We believe that our well-being requires the acceptance of those around us. We "need" others to affirm us because we are taught that affirming ourselves is wrong.

We are taught that our personal opinions should not have anything to do with how we feel about ourselves, and in fact should change our ideas to conform to what people think about us. That in itself is something that should make little red flags pop up in our heads. It doesn't matter what other people think of you. It's your life, not their's. Society doesn't walk in your shoes. Society doesn't live your life. Society doesn't know you and all your secrets.

Just remember that.

Tyler

You know that it's always around.

This title has been stuck in my head lately. Kind of weird, and I didn't quite know what to do with it. So, it's my new post for today. It's finals week next week. Sadly, this means tons of studying and stress. I was lucky and both of my English courses had their finals this week. It saves me a load of worrying and study stress.
Stress leads to a lot of bad things. Probably the biggest thing for me is that I can't sleep. When I can't sleep, I can't focus. When I can't focus, I can't study. I can't study, I do badly on the test. See where I'm going. I'm pretty sure I'm not unique on this subject either. This is a widespread issue. It leads to all sorts of bad things.
I'm not saying to forget about what makes you stress. I'm not saying to not study for finals and give up, just so you can sleep. I am saying that if you do take a nap, you'll study a good bit more effectively. If you do get some sleep, you'll feel a little better. You'll be more focused. There's always time for a bit of relaxation. Keep that in mind. I don't exactly know how the title fits, but alright. Thanks,
Tyler

Mistakes

I had a math test today over sequences and matrices. Normally easy stuff. I made a mistake though. I flipped a matrix upside down after I transposed it, and ruined a huge problem.
This isn't that big of a deal. I have a really high grade in there. So one problem messed up won't hurt my grade much. So while it seems huge, it's not that big of a deal. I make a lot of other mistakes though. I get into fights with my father and brother. These are substantially worse mistakes than messing up a silly math problem.
We tend to blow mistakes way out of proportion. I almost had a heart attack when I turned in my exam and noticed the last problem. When I get in a fight with family, it's the end of the world.
These mistakes that I make aren't as big as they could be. Instead of giving in to the feelings off hopelessness and of depression, keep going. Keep fighting. A mistake isn't the end of the world. Not even close. Last summer, I was a camp counselor. I got fired the weekend before the last week that camp was open.
It was a friday night. A couple of the girl counselor and I took a trip to walmart. One of the girls got caught stealing, and the cops took her. We left her to go to camp and pick up bail money. I was going to drive back in her car to pick her up with the money. I get a text on the way home saying they let her go. So I said that I'd be right there in her car to pick her up. She had her keys though. She was about to call an ex boyfriend who was abusive. I called my bosses, nobody answered, or if they did, they were busy and wouldn't go help her. So I took the camp truck. Obviously, this was illegal. I shouldn't have taken it. I got her back to camp and parked the truck. The next day I was fired. Not because my boss was mad, but because it was policy for me to be fired. This ruined my summer. I got grounded and had to switch schools from the one I loved to the one that I was zoned to be in. This meant that my senior year plans got ruined. I struggled with this for months. I graduated early, with honors. I'm at college now. My stupid actions ruined my senior year, but I'm still here. I'm even doing well.
No matter how big you mess up, you can be redeemed. It's as easy as saying, "Hey, I screwed up." and changing how you act. There is never going to be a mistake that you can't make better. You'll have to live with consequences, but instead of making yourself miserable, try making sure that people around you don't make the same mistakes that you did. Thanks again for reading,
Tyler

Something Beautiful

I've realized that lately, I've been ungrateful. I haven't appreciated the life I have been given. It isn't perfect. It sucks sometimes.
Know what though? I wake up every morning to a text from this amazing girl. I wake up alive and breathing. I have a family. I have friends. I'm surrounded by love. I have a life, and I've been wasting it.
I don't think people realize what they have. We focus on the negativity. On the things that hurt. We almost desire to be a victim in our own lives. We ignore the love around us and focus on the pain.
I'm sorry, but love is all that matters. Love is what gets you places. We're called to love each other. We were made out of love. We are nothing without love. We become shells that walk around. We turn into zombies.
So, when you wake up, just think. You're still breathing. You're alive. And there's something beautiful surrounding you. There's love. Thanks,
Tyler