Passive

I've been thinking alot. It's odd though. I'm thinking differently than I used to.
I like it and hate it. i'm realizing alot. I know alot of people who aren't living their lives. They just go through the motions. They walk around staring blankly at things. It makes me sad.
I spent a long time like that. I just didn't care what was happening, because my pain was worse than everything else in the world. Yep, I was and still am selfish. This passive tendency is pretty widespread. And it isn't even a long term thing. Ever have a day where you just go through the motions?
Every day needs to be lived better than the last. I've taken to thinking about how tomorrow will be better than today. It helps to wake up with a smile on your face. It feels good thinking positively. I like it. It gives me a reason to walk around and talk to everyone. To smile at people. To just step out.
In short, life is an active thing. You can't sit back and expect to have things get better. You just can't. You'll end up staying inside your shell, hurting. Live life. Don't do.
Thanks.
Tyler

Missing

I've been missing. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Physically is the easiest to describe. Since I moved out, I never see my younger siblings. They miss me and text often, but it is not the same. I feel bad every morning when I get up. And feel bad when I lay down for sleep and don't hear them running around and causing havoc. It stinks.
Mentally, I'm just as bad. I've caught myself alot lately, just sitting in class or in the lounges at school, just staring blankly off. I find myself disengaged from everything around me. It makes it hard. I pride myself on my relationships and when I'm mentally not there, I feel like I let everyone around me down. I'm rude to my roommate, I blow off close friends, and I just stop caring about my classes.
Emotionally, I'm the worst. I can't seem to tell if I'm happy, sad, mad, or really anything. I'm not emotionally drained, just emotionally absent. I haven't been here. I've had quite a week.
I hate getting to this point. I truly do. I work really hard to stay together, like most people do, so it isn't easy to see myself falling down again.
What I'm getting at is to stay strong. Just because you're falling, don't let yourself fall into the trap of giving up. The biggest obstacle in getting better is starting. Once you start, keep going. Just don't give up.
Stay strong.
Tyler

Judged

Ever been judged? Everyone has. Whether negative or positive, judging affects the judged. You naturally judge someone when you see them. It's a hard habit to break.
You judge whether someone is going to be a friend almost at first sight. Whether they scare you. Whether they are good or bad. Even after just meeting someone, you still judge them by their actions.
Most of the time we don't think first. We don't think about what someone has been through. We don't think about their pasts. We don't think, yet we judge.
It hurts to be judged. I grew up in a bit of a rough situation. Never really had money. We didn't always live in nice places. As a result, I matured faster. I always looked meaner than I actually am. People avoided me, thinking there is no way I could actually be a nice guy.
Sometimes, I'm a jerk, but I do my best to be a nice guy to everyone I meet. I work really hard on disproving my demeanor. It still hurts when someone sees me and sees the harley shirt, boots, and the chain on my wallet, and give me room when they walk past me in a hallway.
Wait and think. Get to know someone before you write them off.
Thanks.
Tyler

Soften your heart

I'm learning. It's normal for a college sophomore to learn. I guess.
I'm not really learning academically though. I'm still in easy classes that require a minimum of effort. I'm learning about people. Learning about people and why they do what they do.
I used to judge people's actions. Not like right or wrong, but why they do things. I know a guy who has done some really bad things. He's bitter about them. He's always done his best for me. He's been a friend for a long time.
He has issues with anger though. And tends to alienate the ones who look up to him. We had a big fight about a month ago. I haven't talked to him since. I got angry. And bitter about how he treats the ones he loves.
I've seen him twice sinde then. Once was when I went to his house to pick up some of my things. When I got there, he walked outside. I got mad again. He couldn't even look at me. The second time was at a dinner. I sat across from him and he didn't even look at me. It hurt. I passed it off as him being a jerk.
Recently, I've been mulling over these things and I realized something. My ideas of how a friendship should be are sometimes a little unfair. I expect to get what I give, and some people can't give what I want them too.
It's a hard lesson. I'm a naturally bitter person. I find it hard to forgive. I did figure out that I need a softer heart. I'm too mean to people. Too unforgiving. I still can't talk to this guy and say that I forgive him and mean it. I just can't.
I need to soften my heart. Everyone does though. Everyone has issues with forgiveness. Forgiving others, forgiving themselves. We are raised with hearts hardened to "survive". We are taught to be tough.
I'm not perfect. Believe me, I want to share this because what helps me, can help other people too. That's what this blog is about.
Thanks.
Tyler

Lonely

I've been feeling lonely these past few weeks. It's odd. I'm not lonely in a personal sense, I'm surrounded by people, but it's almost emotional.
I don't know why. It's a feeling of restlessness. It's a feeling of recklessness. It's hard to explain. The closest feeling is loneliness. I don't know what to do. I feel trapped.
I feel like I'm stuck in a spot. A hole. And I can't seem to get out. I guess the loneliness comes from feeling that nobody can help me out.
This post isn't going to be advice. It's me thinking out loud. Or I guess visually, depending on how literal you want to be. I guess I'm asking for help.
I have had tons of things happen lately. It's been a stressful month to say the very least. I've had a lot of bad happen. I've also had a lot of good. I've learned alot about myself. I've become a slightly better person. I've become better at expressing myself, emotionally, verbally, etc.
I just don't know what this feeling is. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks.
Tyler

Strength

I pride myself on my physical strength. I love it. I've been working out for years. It's an amazing feeling. I'm physically strong because lifting weights/sports was my way of escape. I used it to get away from reality.
I spent years thinking that if you were physically strong, you could do anything. It didn't matter.
About two years ago, I realized how wrong I was. I noticed that I'd had almost no good memories with friends. Really, no friends at all.
It was a hard realization. I was so independent of everything else, that I didn't even try to be happy. I thought I was strong enough to make it on my own.
I didn't know that I had almost no emotional strength. I'd blocked myself in. Blocked everyone else out. I didn't want friends, because they couldn't help me more than I could help myself.
I was antisocial. People were scared of me. I wouldn't talk to people. I wouldn't smile. I would sit in class and participate the bare minimum. Looking back, I scare myself.
I was like this for almost a year. I met a girl who I just connected with. She reminded me of me. She had the same look in her eyes that I saw in the mirror every day. We started talking more. Found out we come from similar pasts. We also figured out that we relied on ourselves and didn't let anyone else in.
We kept talking. I started to realize that I need other people. I didn't realize how empty my life was until I saw it in someone else. It was rough.
Our lives are all about relationships. Our friends support us more than we know. Sometimes it takes losing it all to figure out that you had it all. Your life isn't all about you. You affect more than just you. What you do affects everyone around you. A smile could brighten someone's day.
Don't be scared to let someone in. Even if it's just a little bit. That person may need strength.
Life isn't about physical strength. It's about emotional strength. Without emotional strength, we're empty. We need other people, too. We aren't strong on our own.
Thanks
Tyler

Still

Ever have someone in your life that you think is the reason you're living? Someone who could make you feel invincible?
There was a girl in my life not too long ago who fulfilled this role for me. She was the reason I smiled in the morning waking up. She was the first person I'd hug. She was the last person I'd text at night. I came to depend on her. She became a drug to me.
I would go a while without seeing her and I'd go through withdrawal in a way. I'd not be in the best mood, I'd be snappy to friends, I'd not be myself.
This girl was the center of my life. She helped me through more things than I can count. She was a voice of reason. She became more important to me than me.
What I'm getting at is that I have issues focusing my life. I have issues finding a center for my life. I don't think this is too uncommon a problem. We put things in higher places than what they deserved. This girl got the highest position in my life. Above myself. Above my faith.
We tend to idolize people and things. We put them on huge pedestals. Especially when we aren't doing well. We try to put them before ourselves.
One thing I've learned is that you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. It sounds narcissistic, we have to forgive ourselves and love ourselves. Otherwise we tend to think less of ourselves and put ourselves below those around us.
Thanks for reading.
Tyler

Slavery

This weekend I went on a camp/retreat thing. It was a blast. I found out I can trapshoot like none other. And that food is always good grilled. And that Dutch Blitz is the perfect game for anyone with ADD. During this weekend, I made a ton of new friends. I learned a lot about myself, too.
I learned that I am strong. I am determined. I learned that I am the one who holds myself back.
This past month has been severely stressful. Between moving out, losing my job, and a few other things, I've been pretty down. I've let these things bring me down and hold me back.
I'm a slave. I worry about everything. I'm stressed about so much, I can't hardly think. I'm angry about things I see as being injustices to me. I'm sad about friends leaving for basic training. I'm bitter about past mistakes. Worry, stress, anger, sadness,  and bitterness. How many of you deal with any of these?
When you hold onto these things, they control you. I had a talk with a man over the weekend that cut past the bone. I haven't had the best relationship with my father lately. We couldn't talk without it turning into an argument or full hollering match. Finally we had an argument where I had to leave.
I'm not going to lie. I am mad about this. It hurt walking down the road with my clothes in two bags.
I let those things hurt me. I started letting them control me. I made a decision to never kick my kids out. Not the worst decision, but I decided so because my parents did it, and I didn't want to do what they did. Not because of right and wrong.
When you let things people have done make you decide things a certain way, you are being a slave. When you hold onto things that have been done or happened to you, you are a slave. Slavery is still around. We're all slaves at some point, whether it's depression, anger, bitterness, or any other number of things. And it's hard to let go. I'm a Christian. I believe that you can't do it on your own. Prayer is the key. Thanks for reading.
Tyler

Sleepless

So lately I've been running on about two hours of sleep. I don't know why. I can't seem to relax. It isn't that I'm not tired, or that I'm busy, I just can't sleep. I'm restless.
It's an odd feeling. I think it means my life will change soon. I think something big is about to happen in my life, be it good or bad.
It's hard to not think like that. To think in black in white. A change can only be good or bad. Why can't it be both? There has to be some positive. There has to be something to learn from it.
I'm pretty notorious for being negative. I'm a shameless cynic most of the time. I have issues seeing the good in things. I prefer the bad. I can handle bad things. Good things are harder for me to react to. I get overloaded, I guess you could say.
Recently, I got kicked out of the house. My father and I had a fight, and he told me to leave. I found a place to stay. I have a new home. This happening has made me consider a lot of things though. I believe.  I'll be moving back to Alabama soon for college (or at least I hope). I think I'll also start running more. And work on being a better friend.
So thanks for reading my random thoughts for the night.
Tyler

I forgive you

Hey guys, this post will have some explicit language. If that offends you, I'm sorry. It's exactly how I've felt lately.I didn't censor any of it.













Lately I've been angry. About a lot of things. I read a blog the other day. It was written by someone who deals with a lot of bitterness. The blog made this person feel better after writing it, so I stole the idea.

To the people and friends who judge me for my past.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the man that taught me that I'll never be good enough.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the teachers that told me my opinions don't matter.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To myself for holding onto pain so as to not feel love.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the people who never care to look past my mask and get to know me.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the woman who did all she could to drive me and my hero apart.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the teacher that told me I got through all of my classes on luck and not intelligence.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the person I love but can't hate.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.

To the man who told me I look uncivilized.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.
Sorry for blocking you on facebook.

To the girl who broke my trust.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.
I'm sorry.

To the girl who made me change my ways.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the friends who have supported me fully these past few weeks,
I love you.
Thank you.

To the people I don't even know who have been a shoulder to lean on.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the man that's pushing me to get a job.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the girl who taught me why I need to live.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the one who taught me crying is alright.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the man that jumped up to grab my hand when he first met me.
I love you.
Thank you.

To the family who took me in as their own when I had nowhere to go.
I love you.
Thank you.
It means more than words can ever express.

To the girl with cancer: You are gorgeous. Don't ever forget it. You're an inspiration to me.
I love you.
Thank you and keep it up.

To my cat-loving friend, thanks for making me feel like a good friend and person.
I love you.
Thank you.


To the teacher who has to read my creative writing assignments this semester.
I love you.
Thank you.
Forgive me.

To the girl who I couldn't say hi back to today.
I love you.
Forgive me.

To that same girl, I wish things didn't end up so badly.
I still love you.
Forgive me even if I don't deserve it.

To the friend who I've ignore all week because I'm hurting too much.
I love you.
Forgive me.

To my hero, sorry I spent most of my life rejecting you.
I love you.
Forgive me.

To the one person who was there when I needed the most help and I left in the cold.
I love you.
Forgive me.

To the brother who wronged me one time, sorry for removing you from my life.
I miss and love you.
Forgive me.
And let's ship up to Boston sometime.

To my little sister- I'm sorry we fought, but I want to make things right.
I miss and love you.
Forgive me.

I have learned that forgiveness is the key of letting go. Letting go of the bitterness, the anger, the hatred, lets you become the person you should be. It frees you from yourself, and the trap that we tend to form when we're down and not feeling strong. We have a tendency to hold onto pain. When we feel pain, we can ignore the good things around us. We're selfish by nature.  When we focus on the good in life, the love that surrounds us, the beauty of life, that pain fades. The bitterness goes away. It's not easy. It's hard. It's worth it though. It's worth going through.
Thanks for reading.
Tyler

Ghosts

Last night, two friends and I decided to walk around some creepy things. Hawthorne pool is pretty creepy at night, just saying. Before we decided to do this, we had spent two hours talking about haunted places, and random ghost encounters.
Needless to say, we scared ourselves. There are some odd phenomena that occur around those parts. I just woke up, and was reflecting on the events of last night and the random shadow that disconnects from walls, and I started thinking of old things that had stuck with me.
Not everyone believes in ghosts or hauntings. Actually, most people laugh it off as paranoia. But, take a second and think. Do you have any old memories that are stuck in your mind? Any old experiences that you get reminded of daily? Any old pain that you can't let go? If you answered yes to any of these, you're human. Congratulations.
We're haunted as humans. Haunted by pain. Haunted by family. Haunted by school. Haunted by that girl who's smile makes your day. We're haunted. We don't want to let go. Our past hangs around our shoulders like gangs of ghosts. We let these ghosts bog us down, and drag us under. We are haunted by our own ghosts. Ghosts we've allowed to latch onto our backs.
Lately, I've had a pretty heavy step. And a lot of weight on my shoulders. Some of it is me just hanging to old things, some is just things that have just happened.
I'm not going to tell you guys what to do to let go and "exorcise" your ghosts. Frankly, I don't even know where to start with my own. It's something I struggle with more than I care to admit. So instead of my normal advice, I'll just ask. How do you think you can get rid of your ghosts. Comment on here if you'd like. I'd appreciate any ideas. Thanks for reading,
Tyler