If

So I've been saying the words "what if?" a lot lately.
What If I didn't get this job?
What if I just stopped believing?
What if I just drove away?
What if I just gave up?
What if I said what I felt?
What if I stopped being strong?
What if I just stopped caring?
What if I just decided to do something different with my life?
What if I don't want to be a teacher?
Those are some of thousands that have been running through my head. Not a hyperbole, by the way. There are thousands of these questions.
I've been questioning a lot lately. My faith. My role in some groups I'm involved in at my college. My job as a brother. My job as a son. My role in my own life.
It's been a heavy week. A very heavy week. I can't shake these thoughts. Things hurt when they shouldn't. I'm so stressed that my neck is messed up. I have a pinched nerve. I'm not just physically hurt. I'm mentally not here. I sat out by a lake to think today and can't recall a single thought. I was there for two hours. I';m emotionally gone too. I don't know whether I care or not. About anything. I'm too busy questioning to make a decision, I guess.
If you have any input, go ahead and comment. Sorry for the depressing tone. It's just how I'm feeling.
Thank you for reading.
Tyler.

Today

Today is a new day. Agreed? Not the same as yesterday? Today can be a good day. Yesterday my jeep broke down. That jeep is all I really have. I own it. I bought it. But it's broken. It ruined yesterday for me. I was angry with people around me. I was angry at myself for buying something that would break. But, again, today is a new day. Today is a second chance at being happy and positive. This second chance comes for everyone, not just me. All of you can be happier today than you were yesterday. You can be more positive. Instead of having a glass half full, have a glass that's all the way full. Don't let things from the day, week, or even month before drag you down. Be positive. Thanks. Tyler

Anonymous

This is one a friend wrote and asked me to post. I thought it had a certain amount of intrigue so I decided to share. Enjoy it.

I'm an anonymous person. You don't know who I am. Funny how that works. What's even funnier is that I don't even know who I am. I'm that person who holds back. Even from me. You aren't special. Sorry to burst your pretty little bubble. I can be you, I can be me, I can even be a stranger. It depends on which mask I decide I want to wear in the morning. Today's mask was smiling. Was it pretty? Did you like it?
Good. I didn't. I guess you are special. Maybe you know how it is to be the person everyone sees, but nobody knows. Maybe. Or maybe you're just lost and struggling to find your identity in nothing.
See, the beauty of all this is that I don't even care anymore.
Maybe I do care. Do you see the pain in my eyes? Do you see the tracks my tears follow down my cheeks?
They're pretty. They show me that I'm strong enough to take on the world. Actually, they show that I'm still fighting this world around me.
Am I crumbling? Yes. Am I dying? Yes. Can you tell? Not in the least. Pick me out of a crowd. Go ahead, try it. You're wrong. Know how I know? Guess. You should know.
-Anonymous

You Can Run

In the past three months I have had a lot happen. I got fired from my job. Parents started fighting. I had a breakup. I got kicked out of the house. I started back at school. I bought a Jeep. I got another job (today).
A week ago, I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away. Anywhere but here. I hated being here. Still do at times. I felt like every tie I had holding me here was gone. Still having big problems with that one.
I still want to just leave every time I start my Jeep. Then I wouldn't see my parents. I wouldn't see her. I wouldn't see my friends that I feel like I have let down so badly lately.
I could run. I could run away and never look back.
But would I be happy? Would I be content with the fact that I ran?
Anyone can run. It isn't that hard. But I was raised to be strong. And to stick things out. Maybe all of these things are happening for a reason. Maybe I'll grow because of this.
Scratch that.  All of these things are happening for a reason. I will grow because of this. Everything happens for a reason. There's a lesson in everything. Things hurt for a reason, too. When you are small, and you touch the stove and get burned, why do you avoid touching it for the rest of your life? Because it hurts. A lot of life lessons are like that. They hurt so we really learn. And if we run, we can't learn.
You can run, but you'll never learn.
Thanks.
Tyler.

The Scales

Ever look back on your life?  I do. A lot. I'm a very reflective person. I realized something about myself today.
I'm sitting in my jeep in the parking lot of my college and it hit me.
I don't like focusing on what I've gained in my life. I prefer to think of the things I've lost. I've lost a lot in my life. I would rather think about those things than I would the things I've gained. Sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true.
Now think back in your mind. Start tallying up things you feel like you have gained or lost in your life. Make a list if you must. Count them. I would almost bet money that the list of losses is bigger.
Am I right?
I also figured out that I prefer quantity over quality. I count the losses and gains, but I don't factor in the fact that my gains in life have been way bigger than my losses. Look at those lists again. Do those gains seem to have a slight bit of weight?
In my life, I've noticed that me dropping my pencil has a bigger effect on my day than getting to see a good movie. A little thing that's easily fixed outweighs something really good that can't be replicated.
So step back and think about things like that.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Kiss From A Rose

Anyone ever hear that song? It's one of my absolute favorites. There's a man who is symbolized by a grey tower. He's lost. Has no light. Lonely.
Tell me you have never felt like that. Lonely and with nothing there to brighten your days. Sometimes when you feel like that, someone comes by in your life and becomes that light. You see them, and everything gets better. You can relax, you can smile, you can laugh.

"I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey."

A rose is a symbol of true love. It's a symbol for a lot of other things, but love is what I choose to refer to at this point in time. A kiss from true love is a beautiful thing.
I think it's a natural thing for us to hope for certain things. The perfect family, the perfect friends, the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend. We're almost taught to believe fairy tales happen all of the time. Look at Disney.
Most of the time, we won't get any of those things we hope and dream for.
Depressing, yes. But it's true. It's sad.
Another thing that has stood out to me recently though, is the fact that our standards for perfect are far from realistic. We expect too much of the ones we love, and in so doing, we place them on a pedestal. the cool thing about pedestals is the fact that they are easy to fall off of.
What I'm saying is that we should rethink what is really going on in our lives. And rethink our standards for the ones we love. I'm not saying to settle for what you have and never try to improve your life, but be content with what you have been given.
Thanks.
Tyler.

By the way, Seal- Kiss From A Rose. Yes, it was in a Batman movie.

Determination

So tonight I figured out I am one determined individual. I was able to do 71 situps in two different sets. I was amazed. I figured I would only be able to do 20 at the very most.
This is a huge achievement for me. It made me realize a few things.
1. I am a strong person.
2. I can stay strong.
3. If I want something, I can have it, but only if I work for it.
4. Number four is a secret that I know, and you guys, my readers, don't.
It also made me realize that the future is holding some pretty intense things for me. I get to join a large group of amazing men and women. I get to finish school. I get to keep becoming the strong man I was raised to be.
I found some new pride. I have pride in my physical abilities. I have pride in my emotional strength. I have pride in the people surrounding me and supporting me. They're the ones that are keeping me on track right now to losing my goal of 50 pounds.
It is very possible. I can do it because I am determined. I am devoted to losing this weight so I can say I did it.
So now that my goals are out there, what are some of your goals? I challenge you guys to make a goal. I challenge you to find the determination to stick it out until the end. Finish it. Find that drive. I believe in you.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Tears

Slightly mature content. Just a warning.






I cry.
Yes, I can admit it. Tyler, big, bearded Tyler, cries.
Is it because I'm weak? Is it because I'm not manly enough? Or is it because I'm strong enough to get over my pride? Strong enough to realize that tears heal?
Tears do heal, by the way. They heal better than most other things. You can always sit there listening to your parents fight and then pop some pills or use that little blade to medicate. You can always smoke weed. Or start drinking. You can rebel against all authority in your life. You can become bitter, angry, and hate them for ruining your life. You can do everything in the world to stay away from home, sports, clubs, friends, etc.
(I used that example of fighting parents for a more general feel, by the way.)
Or, you can cry. You can cry yourself to sleep. You can cry out from anger. Your tears can't hurt you. They won't kill your internal organs. They won't damage your brain. They won't even scar your skin.
Tears heal. They help you get over that anger. They help ease that bitterness. They help. It isn't a short term help though. Sorry, no instant cures here. But they heal. They help you get stronger. Doubt me, but try it.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Your Life

I'm asking a big question today. If you were to die today, and had to describe your life with one word, what would that word be?
Told you it was big. It takes a lot of thought. If there was one word to describe my life. Very tough.
Mine would be surrender. My life has involved lots of moving. I went to a lot of schools. It made my childhood kind of rough. Then, my junior year of high school, I learned something. I learned to surrender.
It sounds odd. It sounds like I'm giving up. I'm not. That is not what I mean by surrender.
When I say surrender, I mean to stop letting negativity hurt me. I know things are going to be rough. It happens. Life has been known to stink at times. So instead of preoccupying myself with pain and negativity, I say to myself, "It is what it is." Then I can focus on what's really important. My friends. My family. The people I love.
Surrender. Nine letters. It's my word. Think about what your word would be.
Thanks.
Tyler

Stitches

So recently, I've battled with being able to speak out. Interesting thought, right? Tyler, unable to speak?
Insanity. But it's true. I've found myself preferring to stick to myself. To not risk offending someone. To not even share my opinion. On anything. On faith, on friendship, on family, even on things that concern me.
I'd rather just keep my mouth shut than try to change things. Yes, my name is Tyler, and I'm a coward sometimes.
I think everyone has gone or will go through a time where they feel like they have no voice, yet don't want to speak out. We don't want to risk offending those around us.
This turns us into surgeons. We become professionals at stitching our mouths shut. We don't speak out on our beliefs. We get scared and prefer to hide under the radar.
I've had lots of physical stitches. I've had a hand crushed even. The worst and best part of stitches is one single event, in my experience.
Removing them. It hurts. They feel like they're pulling out from the tips of your toes. But, as soon as they are out, You get that relief. The feeling of freedom. Knowing your wound is healed enough. It hurts, but then it feels so good.
I'm trying to get one simple message across. Speak up. You are given a voice for a reason. If you have a faith, tell others about it. If you have an opinion, voice it. Just don't move those stitches from your mouth to your ears. Be open to what other people say. Learn where their beliefs come from. Listen and speak when appropriate.
Thanks.
Tyler

Think

So, lately I've picked up a habit. There's a graveyard out in the middle of nowhere that I like. It's a good quiet spot. I go there to think.
I've been asked why. My roommate summed it up perfectly. Nothing bad happens there. No shootings, no violence. No hatred. Nothing.
This graveyard is still. It's oddly always brightly lit despite the lack of lighting. Most of all, for me, It's silent. I am a busy individual. I balance full time school, full time clubs, church, working on my new jeep, friends, and of course, chores. I am always busy. I don't relax much.
This graveyard is a sanctuary to me. It is kind of morbid, but it gives me undisturbed thinking time.
Oddly enough, it gave me an idea. Everyone needs a quiet spot where they can sit and reflect. I had an ex girlfriend who has a rock in her backyard she would sit on. I know people who run, or go on bike rides for this very reason.
Find a spot. Somewhere you can relax and reflect. Bring a good book. Leave your phone, your laptop, your ipod. Unplug from the word. And just relax.
Thanks.
Tyler

Overwhelmed

So I'm overwhelmed. I have a lot of things that I'm managing right now.
I'm hurting because I asked someone I love to stop talking to me so we don't have to suffer being friends after a breakup. I'm almost positive she thinks I hate her. I can't even tell her what's really going on in my head. I wish I hadn't said it. I just wish I could tell her I did it because I love her and don't want to keep hurting her.
I am a student leader in a club now. I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't really have anyone to reach out to for help and support. I look at the other student leaders and they are just as clueless.
I have a lot of more personal things going on. I have until november to move out and I can't find a job. Everyone has happily said no. I guess I understand, but I need to work.
I feel bad. I realized today that I haven't told my dad I love him in years because I couldn't get past my hatred for him. And now I can't. I don't see him. When I see him, I can't say anything.
I hate this feeling. I'm in between stages of my life and I'm so confused. I just wish I knew what to do.
Sorry for the less than upbeat tone. Thanks for reading.
Tyler

Nothing's what it seems

Nothing's what it seems has been a phrase rocking around my head for a while now. It's an odd thing for someone who believes in reality as firmly as I do. I don't like over-analyzing things I see. I prefer relaxing and accepting what happens around me.
This works, but only to a point. I have a tendency to trust in circumstances. And I hide in that trust. I build that trust up. Then I live in it.That's all well and fine, but it kind of sucks. Circumstances tend to break down. They fall apart when you depend on them for happiness.
This phrase means more to me than just that. It's a big deal to me. I tend to not look past the surface of things. Mostly because I just don't care. I said it. I just don't care to look past the facade in most cases. If it doesn't affect me, it isn't important.
"Wow, he's selfish. What a jerk." Yep, you think exactly how I do sometimes. Not looking past that facade, though, is bad. Not only can it hurt you, it hurts others, too. I see a smiling face, and assume nothing is wrong. I see someone walking along and assume they don't have time to talk.
Now, look at your life. Do you do that?
Thanks for reading.
Tyler.
PS- Answer it. And see how you can change that.

Dreams Away

Ever have dreams? A wife, a house, 2.3 kids, a dog, etc like some people? What about big ones? Finding that perfect person. Becoming successful. Being rich.
I've had those dreams. I held onto them for a long time, saying, "This will happen for me." I wanted my dreams to come true. As unrealistic as they were. Ever trick yourself into believing something is right? And that no matter what happens, that thing will always be there?
I figured I had something perfect. I was inches away from realizing some dreams of mine that I had held onto for so long. I'd just figured that it couldn't go wrong. Well, it did.
I had a pretty big change occur in my life. Basically, I got turned upside down. Everything I had built and structured my life for, everything I had spent the past two years structuring my life around, and everything I had truly sacrificed for, kinda fell away.
Does it hurt? Yeah. Does it make me cry? Yes. I cry about it. Is it a good thing? Yes.
Sometimes, you have dreams that are only going to end badly. Yes, I am 18 and a complete cynic. Sorry if I'm bringing you down, but there is a point.
We set ourselves up. We put our eyes on things that are unattainable. That car, that girl, that job. It happens. We are human. It's kind of expected. I'm greedy sometimes. I want things I know I can't have. I want the impossible. Sometimes, those dreams aren't what's good for you. As good as they seem, they'll just hurt.
Word of advice, if following a dream like that repeatedly hurts you, and you just keep ignoring the hurt and keep pushing on, you should stop. If it's like that, you're most likely setting yourself up for a big fall. I've had enough big falls, and I want to help others because of it.
Thanks.
Tyler