Sounds

The sound of an engine,
Gravel crunching under tires,
Gears shifting,
Brings memories of nights,
Carefree times.
I want it back,
You bring me back,
Giving me reason to hear,
The sounds of free and happy.
You listen.
The memories are prophecies,
Of freedom ahead.
Freedom and love.

All the Same

I work hard. I really do. I work hard at everything. I'm hard on myself because nobody else will be. I push myself to be good, I push myself to treat people like they deserve. I push myself to love everyone and make everyone around me feel special. I really do.
I give. I give everything I possibly can. But things seem to turn out the same no matter what I try. I show the people I care about that I care the best that I can. I really do. But it seems that no matter what I do, I get treated the same. It doesn't matter if I show someone that I love them, or I just ignore them, I always get the same treatment.
It hurts. It's like everyone sees me as this one dimensional person and that I'm not this guy that really is a good person. I get treated the same.
Does it matter how you treat people, or is it all the same?

Tremble

Sometimes, all I can do is tremble. I am scared. Every day, I wake up wondering.
Wondering if this is what's supposed to be.
Wondering why I have this stuff in my life.
Wondering what I need to do to fix everything.
Wondering if I'll die.
Wondering why I feel so distant all of the time.
Wondering how I can write.
And it all scares me. I'm terrified now. Walking around, sitting in class, watching a movie, talking to friends. Everything scares me. Because I don't know if I'll lose it. I'm scared of my past. I'm scared of my future. And most of all, I'm scared for right now. The present.
I'm scared. All my hands do is tremble if they aren't writing or gesturing wildly. I'm a big bearded guy, and I just want to cry sometimes. Because I don't know. I don't know.
So I tremble. I am just scared.

Life isn't too good this way. Constantly worrying, constantly hurting. It's hard to be brave and smile. It's hard to be brave period. It's hard to keep it up. But I will. I will keep fighting. Every day is a fight, ad we're all battlefields. The most beautiful of battlefields.
Life is a beautiful thing. This is coming from a guy who has had a rough ride, so even if it hasn't been easy, it's still beautiful. Life can't be wasted asking why. It can't be wasted. We are made to love. Not sit back i our fear. Being scared isn't the worst thing. You don't have to be fearless to live, but you have to deal with the fear. And don't let it take you over.
You are alive.
You are breathing.
You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You are you.
Thanks.
Tyler

Our ears are too small for our hearts

Our ears are too small for our hearts. And I am not a poet. I am just a voice, a whisper, a shout. I'm silent, but louder than that soft swish that tells you to let go, to take the drop, grab the pills and pop. But you don't really want that. You just want the rush. The rush that pushes you off of that mountain, over and over, thousands of times because that's what you love. Or you think you love. It's not love. It's self-hate. And damn, it feels good. Damn, it feels good.
Jumping off of a cliff, chasing a monster commonly known as ourselves feels good. Destroying ourselves feels good. Know why? Because we can't  hear. We can't see. We don't know.
We are made of love, to love everyone, because they are made of the same love. Once we realize we are a living breathing form of love. that cliff isn't so fun. The rush leaves, in it's wake, peace.
Peace.

What she meant to me.

What did she mean to me?
She meant the world,
The universe,
Everything worthwhile.

She was beautiful,
Prettier than any flower you could pick,
Smarter than any MIT nerd,
And still more gorgeous than a Florida sunset.

She was witty,
Sarcastic almost to a fault,
Bitter only when the sun shined wrong,
Gorgeous in every light.

She was my hero,
Strong when she had to be,
She held every hope and fear I had,
In that small, warm, vulnerable hand.

She meant I was finally free,
Free of the depression inherent in a poor boy's life,
Free of the father who was always holding me down and never there,
Free of the pain.

She meant I could escape,
Escape from the prison of poverty and bitterness,
Escape the addictions,
Escape into those bright blue eyes.

Those eyes could free me,
And captivate me for hours,
She taught me a love for picnics,
Her laugh still haunts me.

What did she mean to me?

Breaking mottos, and learning lessons.

I've been in a mood lately. I think I have rediscovered some love in my life in the past few months.
I've spent the past almost three months avoiding a girl I love. She used to be the world to me. She's the one person who knows more about me than anyone else. The first person in a long time to really see who I am, to look past the exterior shell. I'd just stopped talking to her. I realized that she was the person who kickstarted me into changing how I lived my life. It's because of her that I grew up and matured. She showed me I had strength inside of me that I never would have found.
Yet I stopped talking to her. And avoided her. I didn't want to see her. I didn't want anything to do with her. I wanted to hate her. The other day, her and I had a talk. During this talk I realized I had broken a personal motto. Just give love to all.
No matter what, love everyone. I realized how stupid I had been. It was stupid of me to stop talking to her. But it also helped me.
I grew up a lot these past few months. I realized that I am not strong enough to make it on my own. I realized how much she did in my life. I realized that, left to my own devices, I end up bleeding from a cut on my head, with a concussion, half drunk, in a room full of people I don't know. I realized I end up being reckless to an extreme extent. I realized that I am weak when there's no one there to remind me why I need to be strong. To remind me why I need to love everyone, including myself.
I grew up a lot these past few months. I've gone hungry. I've been homeless. I've walked ten miles to find a place to sleep. I met new friends. I came to love the people around me even more. I began to appreciate small gestures of love. I began to feel loved. I began to feel happy. I began to feel alive. Losing everything to gain my life back was worth it.
Do I want to do it again? No. But it was worth it. I do love that girl. I still don't know whether or not I want to be around her, just because of history and such, but I am thankful for her.
I do hope that someone else can learn from my mistakes of taking people and things for granted, so they don't have to relearn like I did about living right. I do hope that people find love and hope in their lives. I hope because I love. I love because someone shared love with me.
Just give love to all. Share it.
And keep hoping.
Thanks.
Tyler.

I want

I want a lot of things right now.
I want a car.
I want an apartment.
I want a friendship to change.
I want a friendship to be done.
I want to move on from this place.
I want to be healed.
I want my poetry to mean something to someone else other than me.
I want to make my father proud.
I want her to say yes.
I want to be able to not care.
I want to be stronger.

But I can't have all of those things. Not yet, at least. Some of it is because of money. Some of it is because of the past. Some because it just isn't time yet.
And it kind of hurts. Sometimes, I just wish I had everything I wanted. I wish all of my dreams came true. I wish. And wish. And wish.
I realized I can wish all I want. I can wish until I'm blue in the face. But it won't change a thing unless I take action to make these things come true. The car and apartment are coming. The friendship may or may not change. I'm hoping it does. The one I want to end probably won't, and it probably shouldn't. As much as it hurts, we're friends for a reason. I'm here in this place for a reason also. I'm learning, growing, becoming better, stronger. She may or may not say yes, and it's alright with me either way. If I didn't care, things wouldn't be as good.
Sometimes the things we want, we don't need. I think if I had everything I wanted, I wouldn't appreciate the truly good things in my life. I wouldn't appreciate the things that I work so hard for. The things that mean more than the world to me, would be a lot more meaningless.
Sometimes we shouldn't want so much. We should appreciate. We should be thankful more often than once a year.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Seeing strength in ourselves.

I am strong.

Can you say that to yourself? Can you say it and mean it?

I am strong.

It's tough to say those words and mean them. It's tough because we are taught to focus on what's wrong with us. We are taught to think less of ourselves. Throughout our childhood, we deal with bullies, or we bully, we deal with siblings and friends who bring us down for a laugh. We are taught it's ok to make fun of each other.
We call kids with red hair gingers, we call blondes stupid, we stereotype and judge, and are stereotyped and judged. It's vicious.
And it's considered alright.
We break down and allow it. We accept it. When we accept the judgments, we become those judgments. We become stupid. We become ugly. We become less than what we are. We become weak.
We aren't strong.
I am not strong.
How easy is it to say that?  Be honest to yourself. Personally, it's one of the easiest things I can say to myself.
It's easy. Easier than fighting it. Easier than holding back tears and the negativity that predominates society. It's easy to bring myself down.

I am strong because I know I am strong. I am smart because I know I am smart. I am because I know it.
You are the most important part of your life. You control you. You choose what you believe. If you believe you are strong, and choose to ignore the things that tell you you are weak, you become strong.
Is it easy? Not at all. It's hard. It isn't immediate either. It takes time.
But it works. If you believe you are strong, you are strong.
You are you. Nobody else is you. Nobody knows you as well as you do.
You can do it. If you are struggling with depression, or self injury, or drug addiction, you can make it out. I promise it. There's no such thing as too far gone, or impossible to save.
Asking for help isn't being weak. There is strength in vulnerability. There is strength in leaving the shells we hide in to protect ourselves. There are people who want to help you see the strength in you.
You are loved.
You are strong.
You are you.
Don't let anyone else define you.
If you need help, ask. I'll have a link at the bottom of this post to a fantastic site that helped me.
There is no such thing as too lost, or too broken. No such thing.
You are loved.
You are strong.
Say it. I am strong.
Thanks.
Tyler.
This link is a link to a bunch of links to get help with a large number of issues. If you need help, don't pass it up. Please don't.

Silence

Silence.
No sounds.
Nothing.
Is silence bad? It can be. But it doesn't have to be. My stutter came back yesterday, so last night I decided to have some silent time. Time where I didn't talk. I just listened.
It feels good. Good enough that today, I'm only talking when necessary. Silence is beautiful sometimes. It helps me think. It helps me focus on what's going on around me. It helps me relax.
Sometimes we all need to spend some time being silent. Reflecting, thinking, listening. Paying attention to the people around us. Being thankful for the good things in our lives instead of focusing on whats bad. That's when silence is beautiful.
This is a short post, but it carries a lot.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Love

So, today I realized I have fallen into old thought patterns. This wreck messed me up pretty bad. I've been pretty heavily medicated, hence the lack of posts. My brain has been mush. I'm still having issues with putting words together into sentences that make sense. But more importantly than that, I've forgotten that I love a few people.

To my little brother Zach- I'm sorry man. I haven't been a good big brother to you. I love you, man. I'll see you tomorrow I hope. This is short, but I'll talk to you tomorrow.

To my best friend/little brother- I've been ignoring you. I've treated you like garbage. I'm sorry man. I've just been dealing with heavy stuff and fighting off the urge to be reckless and all of that. I'm working on it. Trying to get better.

There's one more person that I've more than neglected.

You know who you are- I'm sorry. You know I love you. You kept me sane for almost two years. I abandoned you. I walked away. Said "fuck it" and walked away. I totally removed you from my life.
And it's the second time I've just walked out. This time I barely said a thing about it. Just stopped. You taught me to love people for who they are, and what they believe in. You taught me that my perception of love was messed up. You fixed it. You showed me how to love selflessly. I am sorry.

We are taught to not love. We are taught to walk away when things get hard. We are taught it's ok to give up, even if you really care because it takes too much effort. We are taught that love isn't always worth it.
Love is what keeps us moving. Love is the movement. I believe love conquers all. Love prevails. Love is. I was taught from a young age that love isn't nice. It isn't fair. It isn't even all that real. It's more of an idea. Not a visible, tangible thing.
I was wrong.
I have people in my life that when I see them, I feel love. I see it in their eyes. Their expressions. Their whole demeanor changes. Some people say love isn't real. They say it's fake. Made up. Love is real. I need love in my life. We all need more love in our lives.
Thanks for reading.
Tyler.

Recovering

So recently I was in a pretty bad wreck. I flipped in an SUV at a decent speed. I tore a bunch of muscles, sprained a bunch of things, and bruised a bunch of bones.
I'm physically recovering. Everything hurts at least a little bit right now. But I'm getting better. I can move my right arm fully, and my left is getting there. My hip still bothers me, and I'll have to get a cat scan on it this week, but I'm physically getting better.
Sometimes recovery isn't just physical. It's psychological, too.
I rode in a truck yesterday and almost had a heart attack when the tires slipped in snow. I had a white knuckle grip when we were going faster than forty. It was tough to stay calm. The night after the accident I realized I should have died. There's no possible way I could have walked away from it as undamaged as I am. At the speed I was going, the roof of the vehicle should have been a lot more flattened.
These aren't good thoughts to have. They're scary thoughts. I'm still emotionally shaky from the whole thing.
Again, recovery isn't just physical after things like this. It's almost more psychological than physical for some people. For me it is. I can deal with the pain. That isn't hard at all. It's getting over the fact that I could have died. It isn't the best feeling to have. So please pray for me or send good thoughts, depending on your spirituality. Anything positive is appreciated.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Near Life Experiences.

So today I almost died. I flipped over in a Dodge Durango at a decent speed and landed on the top pretty hard. I walked away from it. I felt ok after. I felt happy.
I had a near life experience. If you've seen Fight Club, you know the reference. I'm happy I'm alive. I really am. I hurt my knee, ribs, back, and chest. I'm about to go to the hospital for them. I am alive.
I am alive.
I didn't die.
I'm not in desperate need of emergency care.
I am alive.
I haven't said that in a while. I used to list off positive things in my life every day. It was an effort to stay positive. I guess I got away from that.
I am alive.
Today has been one of the best days I've had in a long time. It really has. No sarcasm. It has been an amazing day.
I am alive.
Also, I realized people care about me. I have gotten tons of texts asking if I'm ok and wishing me better health. It means a lot to me.
Today I realized I am alive and loved.
I am alive and loved.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Cold and freaking out

I had a bad night. But it's fine. I woke up with  a bad headache and a message from someone I didn't really want to talk to. The blood rushed to my head and my hands were cold. I took a shower and had to sit there thinking. Eyes closed, freaking out. Might have been crying, not sure.
Today has been a long day. It's 11 in the morning. I have had what feels like a full day's stress.
I want to just give in for the day. I want to go sleep. I want to just sleep today away.
But I can't. I know people who are going through way worse than I am, but they are able to be happy  and positive.
I need to do the same. Being negative just makes it worse. So I will smile and be happy today. Wish me luck.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Relaxing

I am high strung. Not just a little bit. A lot. Or I guess very would work better in this situation. I am very high strung.
I get stressed really easy. And I deal with it well, until I go a few days without sleeping and it starts to drive me insane. I've been going insane for a few days now. I've been averaging one to three hours of sleep a night for the past week. It hasn't been easy. I have been a zombie in classes. I'm not fully aware all of the time. It isn't good.
And I can't seem to relax.
There are a good number of reasons why I'm stressed. Some I have been posting on here, some are more private. It's making life difficult.
And I just need to relax.
Relax. Sleep. Chill. Be calm.
It's been six months almost since the last time I can remember fully relaxing and not worrying about anything. Six months. Ever since then, life has been a train wreck. I wish things hadn't changed.
But I need to relax.
It's easy to get stuck in a cycle of worrying about everything. It's easy to let stress get to you and make you unhappy. It's easy to stop relaxing.
Sometimes, we need to relax. Stressing out makes us old. And fast. Sometimes staying young is important. It's nice to be able to enjoy youth every once in a while. Kicking back with friends just relaxing is fun. I wish I could do it more often. It seems now that things have changed and hanging out with friends isn't the same anymore. Nobody just wants to hang out.
So I have a resolution (if you will).
I'm making a change. I'm going to work hard to just relax. Spend quiet time to myself every day where I just think. I'll probably do it at night. I'll shut my phone off and go sit somewhere quiet. I challenge everyone reading this to do something similar.
We all need to relax. Stress kills. Relaxing is necessary.
Thanks.
Tyler

Bitter

So I thought I was done with bitterness. I really did. I finally felt happy. I felt ok. Normal. Almost like a good person. Let go of grudges, was making conscious choices to behave. I was trying to even fix relationships I had broken.

I let my guard down. I figured I was done and over it. I wasn't. I was still hurt, it had just hidden a bit.

Sometimes, we don't protect ourselves enough and we get false senses of security. We think we're over something, done with something, then when we get exposed to it, we realize we're still bad, just better at hiding it.
I have a calculus class with an ex girlfriend. I have done my best to get her out of my life the past few months.I've stopped talking to her, I deleted her on facebook, I've done everything in my power to get away from her.
Before you call me some bad (if slightly deserved) names, this is why.
I see her and she's a symbol of something I lost. With her, I felt like maybe things will work out. Maybe I'll have a future. Maybe I won't be a screw up. Maybe I'll make someone proud of me.
When we split, I fell back into some old habits. I was angry. I drank. I fought. I was mean. I gave up on a lot of things. I hated myself, because I wanted to hate her, but couldn't. We spent the last month we were together barely talking, and I only had good thoughts about her.
When I stopped seeing her altogether, things felt better. I was able to talk to girls without thinking of her and feeling guilty. I was able to be as normal as someone nicknamed "The Beard" could be.
It was nice. When I found out we would be in the same class, I panicked. I'm still upset. And I don't know what to do.
I guess I am still bitter. I do still hurt. I am not as strong as I had thought.
But I have to keep going. With hat's going on around me, I can't afford to fall any deeper into this seductive gloom. I need to be strong. I need to be.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Between the trees.

 I've been walking through the woods. There are trees everywhere. There are roots that are tripping me. Thorns are scratching me. I've been being chased by large animals that aren't friendly. I've seen sweet looking berries that are just poison. I've seen friendly looking animals that attack when I'd let my guard down.
I have been alone, and accompanied the entire time. I've been haunted, held back, tied down, blinded, deafened, and muted. I've lost everything I had when I started the journey into these woods. I've changed. I've been forced to be mature, to deal with inhumane amounts of stress. I'm beaten down, broken up, and torn apart. I've cried myself to sleep, woken up raging. I've thrown punches at nothing, and been knocked out by thin air.

I had given up again. Sat down and broke down and cried. I cursed my creator. I asked how much worse it could get. I got informed of a superhero who's dying. I started to die inside. I gave into the beast inside. I pushed the ones who were searching for me away. I gave up on faith, rejected love, embraced loneliness.
I cut ties to the past. I ran away from the love and the pain that followed me. I threw away the friendships that sustained me. I betrayed myself to the monsters hiding around.

And then I reached a clearing. I looked up at the sky. It was still dark, approaching morning. I kept walking. I started looking up more often. I realized that if I looked between the trees, I could see light, see beauty, see life. I started to pick things up. Things I had feared lost. Things I had thrown away.
I had given up and lost everything, but things were coming back. Things were getting better. I had hated myself, hated my past, rejected a future. In this, I found myself, found my heart, found a spark of warmth.
It isn't easy, and probably never will be, but sometimes you have to look between the trees. There's sunlight there, and love dancing in the air.

A dream

I have a dream. Not a revolutionary dream. It's a personal dream.

I've been thinking of what happens when I grow up. I guess I'm a legal adult, but I still play video games, I still go to school, I still need help to get by. I'm an adult but I'm not grown up.
I'm not mature enough to consider myself a grown up. I deal with things in a bad way. I have a bit of a temper.
But this isn't about downing myself. It's about a hopeful dream I've been harboring. I want to be able to grow up. I want to get married. I want to be responsible. I want to have kids.
My dream is to live in the south. I'll be a teacher. I'll have a few kids (even if I know they'll be evil and all that).  I'll have a nice house, in the nice part of town.  I'll be a strong, good person. I won't be as bitter, if any at all.
My kids won't grow up like me. They won't have to deal with fighting. They'll hopefully not look like me, but it's whatever. I want them to go to good schools, where they'll be challenged to try hard. I want them to have every opportunity to be in sports and extra activities. I want them to grow. I want happiness. I want.

This dream is pretty unrealistic but for one thing. This won't just happen to me. I have to find a good girl to settle down with. I have to finish college first. I have to be strong. I have to keep working at getting better. I'll have to treat my kids with love. I'll have to work hard to give them the life that I wanted as a child. I want to give them a childhood that can be remembered with a smile, rather than preferably being ignored. I have to know I can't do this on my own. I need to have someone there for me that wants the same thing. Seemingly impossible, I know, but it can happen.

I'm hopeful. I want this. I want to do for my kids what my dad wanted to give me. I want to make him proud.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Bullying

I used to be a bully. I would beat kids up for money, for what they wore, for any reason, really. I would beat people down emotionally, I would make fun of everything I could. That stretched even to special education students. And my little brother, who is deaf.
I would then turn around and beat kids up for bullying him.
Tonight, a girl hacked another girl's facebook and did everything she could to ruin relationships, joking about how hurt the girl will be, and hoping to make her suicidal.
I'm upset by this. Why do people see this as right? How is this ok?
If you have an issue with someone, tell them. Don't hide in a corner and take cheap shots. Be an adult.
Everyone is loved. No joke. Truth. This is real. Love is everywhere around you, if you look hard enough. You are loved. There are people who would gladly jump in to help you. If you need help, get help. Don't ever resort to self injury. I know it feels good at the time, but when you look down at your arm one day when you're older, and it's full of scars, you'll regret it. Believe me. It gets tempting to do pills and other stuff. I know it does. But it will haunt you.
You are stronger than you know. You really are. You can do things you would never believe. You control yourself. You have to have some faith. You also have to be able to say yes to help. Don't let others bring you down.  I mean it. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Whether you know me or not. I've been through almost everything. I'm happy to help. One of the worst feelings is not having anyone there for you. Find me on facebook or even comment on here. You can comment on here anonymously. I'll reply as soon as I can. Never hesitate.
Be strong.
You are loved.
Thanks.
Tyler

Giving in

I give in. To a lot of things. I give in to the urge to be angry. I give in and hold grudges. I give in to the temptation to spend my money when I shouldn't. I give in to playing video games obsessively. I give in to the urge to eat when I'm not hungry. I give in to being lazy.
I'm human. Sometimes, I can't resist not being perfect. It's hard to not give in. Everything around us tells us it's ok.TV shows, movies, music, all of those conspire together to make it easier for us to not be strong.
You are stronger than you think you are. You don't need the negativity offered by society in your life. Alcohol isn't necessary to have a fun party. You don't need sex to have a good relationship before marriage. Drugs aren't the best way to make life bearable.
Just think about it.
Tyler.

Changes

Things have been changing. Everywhere. Everyone around me is changing, some for the best, others not so much. It's hard. I have old best friends who are beyond recognition and a few new friends that I feel like I've known forever.
Last night/this morning everyone was talking about how they will be new people because it's a new year.
It made me ask a question. Are these people that are going to become new people really becoming new people, or will they just be the same person in a new situation?
It's a tough question. I feel I've stayed relatively the same person for the past few months, despite the amount of times I've had to move and the amount of stress I've had. Only my situation has really changed.
We react differently to different situations. Agreed? So could it be possible that everyone who says they're becoming new people is really just putting themselves in a new and hopefully better situation?
Are New Year's resolutions really just a self-commitment to put yourself in a better situation?
Thanks.
Tyler.