Bitter

So I thought I was done with bitterness. I really did. I finally felt happy. I felt ok. Normal. Almost like a good person. Let go of grudges, was making conscious choices to behave. I was trying to even fix relationships I had broken.

I let my guard down. I figured I was done and over it. I wasn't. I was still hurt, it had just hidden a bit.

Sometimes, we don't protect ourselves enough and we get false senses of security. We think we're over something, done with something, then when we get exposed to it, we realize we're still bad, just better at hiding it.
I have a calculus class with an ex girlfriend. I have done my best to get her out of my life the past few months.I've stopped talking to her, I deleted her on facebook, I've done everything in my power to get away from her.
Before you call me some bad (if slightly deserved) names, this is why.
I see her and she's a symbol of something I lost. With her, I felt like maybe things will work out. Maybe I'll have a future. Maybe I won't be a screw up. Maybe I'll make someone proud of me.
When we split, I fell back into some old habits. I was angry. I drank. I fought. I was mean. I gave up on a lot of things. I hated myself, because I wanted to hate her, but couldn't. We spent the last month we were together barely talking, and I only had good thoughts about her.
When I stopped seeing her altogether, things felt better. I was able to talk to girls without thinking of her and feeling guilty. I was able to be as normal as someone nicknamed "The Beard" could be.
It was nice. When I found out we would be in the same class, I panicked. I'm still upset. And I don't know what to do.
I guess I am still bitter. I do still hurt. I am not as strong as I had thought.
But I have to keep going. With hat's going on around me, I can't afford to fall any deeper into this seductive gloom. I need to be strong. I need to be.
Thanks.
Tyler.