pt 6

Sorry about the break. I've been busy, and you'll see why towards the end of this post.

So school started a month later. The month preceding school was packed. My best friend left for basic training for the Air Force. Donny, I'm proud of you. I also grew really close to another friend. He was having girl problems. He didn't know how to approach the problems and it drove him nuts. He became my little brother.
At the same time, I asked Isobella to delete my number from her phone. I blocked her on Skype and removed her on Facebook. I didn't want contact with her for any reason.
I did this for two main reasons. One, it hurt. It hurt to see her and get texts from her and all of that stuff. It hurt a lot. She was mine and I had lost her. Every time I saw her it was a reminder of what I didn't have anymore and what I won't have again.
Two, I didn't want her to feel anything like what I felt. I removed myself from her life. I wanted her to find someone better than me. I am broke. Don't have any money. Can't hardly provide for myself. I want her to find someone with money who is better than me, nicer than me, and who can do good for her. And that hurts, too.
I gave up on her. But I love her. I want better for her than I feel I can give.
At the same time, I stopped talking to Jane. I don't know why. I just did. I'm still ashamed of this. I feel like I abandoned two of the most important things in my life. No, I did abandon the two most important people in my life. I'm a great guy.
I would see both at church. So I stopped going to church. There was no point. I'd lost my blood family, lost my best friends, had nothing to call mine but a bag of clothes and a ceramic box that was made for me. What's the point in believing in God when you have nothing left?
I fell back into depression. And bad. So bad that I couldn't look at a knife and I was scared to drive. I also became really self-destructive in my workouts. I pushed friends away. I stopped texting them. I stopped posting on facebook. I even stopped posting on my blog. I hated every second.
Then school started. Last year, I sat in a secluded corner. I didn't talk to anyone. I just sat with headphones in and went to classes. This year, I decided I needed to change. Being by myself was bad. Led to dark thoughts. So I started sitting in the loudest part of the college. Everyone learned my name. I got nicknamed "The Beard". I was loud and social with everyone. I hated myself. I was so fake.
I got a check. I went and bought a jeep. And then it broke down. I lost it, too. I found a new apartment. I was short money, but I found a roommate. We planned it all out. It was going to work out.
I joined a Christian group as a leader. I hated myself for it. I wasn't in the position to help out with anything of the sort, but I couldn't let the other leaders down. There was a retreat planned. I decided to go. The week before the retreat I had given up. On everything. School, friends, money, and life.
I was suicidal.
A friend called me the thursday before. He wanted to hang out. He saved my life that night. Without knowing. I talked to him at the retreat and told him. He hugged me. The retreat was good for me. It was quiet. And relaxing. It helped. I realized that I had been being stupid. I cried for hours after I realized what I had been doing.
I had given up. Me. The guy who tells everyone else to stay strong. The guy who wants to help everyone else get better.
It was tough.
I made some decisions. One, talk to Isobella again. Two, see if I can still help Jane. Three, be strong for myself.
After the retreat, I spent a whole week working on myself. I know, long time. The next weekend there was another retreat going on. I decided to help out with it. I wrote letters to all of the people there. I even made them a cake.
The cake was interesting. I spent hours making it look real. It was styrafoam. Haha. I thought it was brilliant. I met a girl. Her name is Lucy.
I seem to have adopted her. She's my little sister. She reminds me of me. She also helps me alot. She gives me hugs when she sees me. And sends random texts checking on me. (Heavily appreciated, by the way).
This past week, I have been having major issues with money. Trying to gather nearly a thousand dollars after people you bank on back out with no explanation is hard. I've had so much stress this week. I had a friend, _____, who gave me $100 to help out. He's amazing. I'm finally moved in. Haven't paid the whole bill. I still owe $450 for this month and $275 for next, but I'm working on it. Today is November 2. I think I'll be ok.
Thanks for reading this. This has been hard to write. I thank you for reading all six parts. Originally it was supposed to be two... But thank you.
Tyler.