I feel that I've been hiding. I've been hiding in a few senses.
I've been avoiding friends. I'm slow to reply to texts. I send short answers back to discourage further conversation.
I've been hiding mentally. I'm not trying in classes anymore. I stopped wanting to be the standout student who knows everything. I'm hiding what I can do from my teachers.
I'm hiding emotionally. I hung out with a close friend for coffee recently and all she saw was me being happy and bubbly like normal. Inside I was dying. I was hurting so bad and was so low I felt like I was under a carpet. She had no idea until she asked a few days later. She made me cry when she sent the words "I'm sorry" six times on facebook chat. The fact that my hiding made someone else feel guilty is where this started to hurt.
I don't like other people feeling guilty. I don't tell people when I need things because if they can't help, they might feel bad. And that hurts me. I don't want people feeling bad because they can't help me. I can't even help me sometimes. The part that hurts me the most is that I'm so good at hiding my feelings that she had no idea what was really going on.
I want to stop hiding. I really do. But it's pretty hard to get over the fear of being vulnerable. I don't like being vulnerable. In fact, I hate it.
But I know if I ever want to get better, I have to be vulnerable. I have to break the walls down. I have to.
Thanks.
Tyler.
We need the real you, the vulnerable, not putting on a mask to hide, you. Being vulnerable is rough and scary and difficult, but even some of the healing you are looking for is found in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we just have to get to the point where we can't hide any longer before we take that step into being vulnerable. It's risky, but worth it. Don't wait until you are left with no other option. It can cost you a lot you don't want to lose. Trust me. I know from first hand experience.
ReplyDeleteEven Heros have the right to bleed.
ReplyDeleteIt's just tough when vulnerability feels like I'm being greedy and selfish. I don't know where the association comes from, but it's there and it makes me feel guilty to be vulnerable even when I know I need to be.
ReplyDelete