Pills

She takes these pills and she moves along. She takes these pills and it's better. -Pills by Hurt.

So, I figured out I'm not alone in how bad certain addictions can become. I have issues with addictions. I'm easily addicted to substances. I like drinking. A little too much. I like pills. A lot too much. And I'm not the only one.
A lot of high school kids have this issue. Even more college students do. I know a girl who took xanax to help stay aware for finals. I had a girl come to class drunk, and not just a little drunk. Very drunk. I was worried.
Addictions haunt you. They come back. They remind you of the euphoria. They remind you of how much it hurts. How much it hurts the ones you love. How much you loved the thrill. How much you hated the aftermath.
Addictions change you. They leave emotional scars. They scar those you love. They break trust. They don't always scar you just emotionally. Sometimes it's physical. I know a girl who cut herself. It was her release. Once upon a time, it was mine too. It hurts, when you get reminded of things like that. Memories always seem to pop up at the worst times. Like when you're really in a great mood and you see a scar on your wrist. Or you see an old friend who drank with you or popped pills with you.

It isn't always bad. Sometimes, as much as it hurts, it reminds me that I need to be good. Being reminded of a broken relationship can sometimes remind me why it broke originally and stops me from doing it again. It isn't easy to stop. It isn't easy. Believe me. There are times when you feel like you are more broken and worthless than  the wreckage left by a bomb. You feel desolate. You feel dead. You hurt worse than anything imaginable. You hurt.

But hurting isn't just negative all of the time. Sometimes it teaches a lesson. Or, really, sometimes we're willing to learn from it. If we learned to learn from the hurts in our life, eventually nothing will truly hurt us. We can move past things and focus on the good, the happiness, the love. We were made to love.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Girls and the meaning of life.

So tonight I'm sitting here pondering girls, the meaning of life, and how girls think.
It seems to be an exercise in futility. I have gotten nowhere with this.
I thought I had things figured out. I really did. I had it figured out. Knew where everything stood. Knew everything.
Then got a slap in the face. I now know absolutely nothing. I'm in an emotional landmine and I'm surrounded.
I figured something out tonight in the midst of my fuming and musing.
Sometimes, we need to just pause and look around. We have a tendency to trap ourselves in awkward and potentially hurt ourselves and those around us.
Sometimes we need to pay  more attention to how we affect people. Both good and bad. We affect everyone around us. We really do.
So maybe the meaning behind life is that we all are interlinked. Maybe we are. Maybe girls are just connected to us guys differently. Maybe girls think differently to give us something to think about. Who could say?

Thanks.
Tyler.

Screwing up.

I grew up early. Loss does that to you. Dad was always working or sleeping. My birth mother sat by while my brother and I were beaten. I guess it all kind of screwed me up.
I learned how to ruin things in my life at an early age. I did pretty well at it. It carried into my early teen years. I found alcohol and pills. I ruined friendships. I ruined my education. I ruined how I react around people. I ruined my perception of life.
Tonight I feel like I'm about to explode.
Ever have a moment where every negative thing that has happened to you in the close/apparent past decides to just hit you at once in one big splash of unpleasantness?
It's happening tonight to me. I feel unglued, high strung. I hurt, and I'm numb.
Talking to a really close friend, I realized I don't know any escapes anymore. All of my relaxation spots got ruined by memories of an ex girlfriend for me.That left me with nothing positive. I learned that alcohol, drugs, and sex are all terrific escapes if one doesn't care to pay any mind to consequences.
Really, they only make everything worse. One of the last times I drank, I woke up bloody with a concussion. Last time I did pills I gave my best friend every reason to hate me. Last girl I got even close to intimate to, I can't even talk to anymore because it ruined our relationship and friendship.
I even seem to be able to screw up ways to unwind and escape. Sometimes, this isn't the worst thing.
Maybe it's good I woke up bloody. I sure learned from it.
Maybe it's good my ex and I stopped talking. She was only holding me back from moving on.
Maybe it's good that best friend and I ended up like we did. Made me realize loss can't always be ignored.
Sometimes we focus too much on escaping and not enough on making things right.
Tyler.

Take me away

I feel like it's time to move away. I feel like I need a change. I think the situation I'm in isn't going anywhere. What I'm doing right now isn't working. So things have to change. I'm working on it.

Carpenters and loss

"There's a sad and lonely comfort in the hollow of your eyes. Don't you let it take you over, because it'll eat you up inside."

This comes from a song that means a lot to me. It's in the voice of a man who lost the one person who meant the most to him. It's a song of bitterness. Of anger. Of sadness. It's full of pain.
It's a meaningful song. It talks of loss and unrequited love.
I'm in a musical mood today. I sang in the shower. I listened to music at breakfast. I'm listening to music as I type. Music disappoints me now. There are very few bands who write songs that mean something now. They're all about sex and drugs and alcohol. I guess that's seen as the ideal lifestyle by most teens now. Teenagers look forward to partying because they think being drunk makes things more fun. They think drugs make their lives better. Most don't realize how wrong they are until they're too late. Like me. 
Think about things sometimes.
Thanks.
Tyler

Blackout

I'm a theatre guy. Or at least that's what I'm considered to be at school. I guess you could call me one. I do the plays. Most of my friends are theatre people. So I think I qualify.
I have been doing theatre since junior year of high school. I learned a lot about myself when I started doing it.
I'm a natural actor. Perks of being taught to hide your emotions from a young age. I also figured out if I pretend that the world is a stage, I can be not so shy. I'm extremely shy. People terrify me. It's hard for me to talk to people. It's hard for me to do anything in public. As soon as I get home, I retreat to my room. I put headphones in and ignore the world.
I've always done it. Roommates I've had were probably offended because in public I'm loud and a "bundle of energy" (not my description). It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand what that's like.
I'm perfectly content with saying nothing for a whole day. Silence is always good in my eyes.
Theatre taught me that I can move past this whole thing though. It taught me that I'll always be scared unless I decide to fight it. It gave me a drive to make friends. It gave me a drive to have fun.
It started me on the track to healing. There's something like this for everyone. A hobby, a pastime, something. There's always something.
Thanks.
Tyler.

You can dream the whole store.

I've been daydreaming a lot lately. Like a lot.
Dreaming about having a perfect life. A perfect girlfriend. A perfect car. Just everything. It occurred to me that you can dream for whatever you want. You can dream that you're happy. You can dream anything. But that's where most of us stop. We stop at the dream phase. We rarely act on our dreams. We don't want to take the risk of failure.
We seem to do this a lot. A general consensus of friends I've asked about this said that the risk of failure is why they don't take risks anymore. We're more apt to stay in our comfort zones. We'd rather keep dreaming.
I personally think we need to take more action. Dreaming is all well and good, but it isn't fulfilling. If you fail, at least you know you tried.
Take risks.
Step out of your comfort zone.
Have faith.
Be strong.
Thanks.
Tyler.

A reminder

 As some people know, I haven't been exactly the best lately. I've been unhappy and pretty low on self-esteem. It's been easy to beat myself up.
I also recently started talking to someone I've known since I moved here to Galesburg. She's been having the same issue. She was adamant that she was fat and weighed too much for a girl.
I was adamant in saying she's actually gorgeous. She reminded me that I need to remind others and myself that we are awesome.
Everyone has good qualities. It's wrong to bring people down. We should strive to be positive.
We should remind people that they are awesome.
Thanks.
Tyler

Wishes

I have tons of wishes. Wishes, prayers, whatever you want to call them.
I wish I had money.
A job that was reliable.
A car that works.
A past that doesn't hurt.
I wish I was stronger.
Smarter.
Better looking.
Tougher emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Less proud and more humble.
I wish I could stand up for myself.
I wish I could say how I felt.
I wish I knew how I felt sometimes.
I wish I could understand more of what's going on and why.
I wish things had worked out with a certain person.
I have a ton more wishes.
A ton more. More than I could list if I typed all day. Most of these wishes, especially the ones listed above are pretty selfish, in my opinion. Some are well-founded. Money would be nice when I'm looking for a place to live. A car would be nice to get to work and back instead of relying on rides. Will any of these wishes come true?
I think some might. I hope some will. I hope all of them will. But realistically, I'd be pretty lucky if any of those came true.
Why do we wish we can have things we don't have? Does it not make it worse? Doesn't it make you think of what you have as being not good enough? Doesn't it naturally make us look at what we have in a negative light? When do hopes of something better turn into a form of ungratefulness for what we are given? Think about it.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Stones

I carry a backpack full of stones with me. Everywhere I go. It causes me to slouch. It makes my shoulders slump. It keeps me feeling weak. It keeps me waiting for the next stone to be added.
More and more get added every time I relax. This bag should have ripped from the weight long ago. I should have collapsed weeks ago.
But for some reason I'm still walking. I'm still moving around. I can still talk. I can still function.
I might be crushed right now, but I'm still alive.
It's because I want to be. I have the will to not give up. I have the will to keep fighting even when there seems to be nothing left to fight for.
As hopeless as everything seems, especially this very second, there has to be something better.
Tyler.

Hiding

I feel that I've been hiding. I've been hiding in a few senses.
I've been avoiding friends. I'm slow to reply to texts. I send short answers back to discourage further conversation.
I've been hiding mentally. I'm not trying in classes anymore. I stopped wanting to be the standout student who knows everything. I'm hiding what I can do from my teachers.
I'm hiding emotionally. I hung out with a close friend for coffee recently and all she saw was me being happy and bubbly like normal. Inside I was dying. I was hurting so bad and was so low I felt like I was under a carpet. She had no idea until she asked a few days later. She made me cry when she sent the words "I'm sorry" six times on facebook chat. The fact that my hiding made someone else feel guilty is where this started to hurt.
I don't like other people feeling guilty. I don't tell people when I need things because if they can't help, they might feel bad. And that hurts me. I don't want people feeling bad because they can't help me. I can't even help me sometimes. The part that hurts me the most is that I'm so good at hiding my feelings that she had no idea what was really going on.
I want to stop hiding. I really do. But it's pretty hard to get over the fear of being vulnerable. I don't like being vulnerable. In fact, I hate it.
But I know if I ever want to get better, I have to be vulnerable. I have to break the walls down. I have to.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Remember

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my past.

I've remembered things I wish I hadn't. I remember things that hurt. I remember things that were good. I remember being happy. I remember wishing I was dead. I remember being on the borderline.

I did bad things for good reasons.
I did good things for bad reasons.
I live in an aftermath of past actions.

I remember staying alive just to keep one person alive. I remember not eating so everyone else could.
I remember hiding things as a child. Keeping them from everyone else.
I remember sacrifice and selfishness.
Love and hate.
Sanity and pain.

I kept it all in.
Why let it out?
It kills, you know.
I let it all out.
It kills, you know.

I gave everything for nothing.
Expected everything.

I guess I'm cursed.
The memories swirl.
They stab.
They heal.

I made a friend.
I broke her heart.
I hated with my love.

All in all, saying what's said,
It's real.
The pain.
The love.
The heat.

Memory is a fire, burning what it needs.
It may take your sleep.
Maybe your heart.
But if you don't remember, what's accomplished?

Alive

Today I realized something amazing.
I am alive. Living, breathing, feeling, fighting.
I am here. I'm not absent. I'm not walking through life going through motions. I have a lot of pain right now, but I can still feel. I'm not numb anymore.
As much as I don't like what's going on in my life right now, it could be worse. I could be that zombie I used to be. I could just not feel anymore.
I think things are turning around. Sure, I'm borderline homeless, basically unemployed, and struggling to make it and even eat some nights, but at least I'm trying.
Thanks for the support, friends.
Tyler

Saving the Day

Two nights ago, a friend I hadn't talked to in months told me that I'm an amazing person. I didn't take this well, because I tend to disagree.
Later she told me that she's glad she talked to me because she was about to go down a bad road. One that was self-destructive and dangerous. She said it was the second time I had saved the day.
My first reaction was that I am a superhero. Just kidding. It made me think. It made me realize that when I'm being positive and making an effort to help, I can actually help people.
It was humbling. I realized that I was still being self-centered.
The whole situation arose after a girl I've spent the last month talking to and trying to get together with told me she may be in love. With someone else. It was upsetting. I sent a message to the above-mentioned girl because she seemed down and upset.
Out of this negativity, I feel I have regained a friendship that I figured was all but lost. She told me I had saved the day.
I believe she saved mine.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Fearless

What scares you?
Heights?
Spiders?
Clowns?
Talking to the girl you really like?
Failing a class?
What scares you?
It's an easy question. It really is. I'm scared of me. I'm scared of loss. Pain. Rejection. My family. My past. The future. I'm scared of a lot more.
It's almost easy to admit what you're scared of. Almost. But it can be done. It's really easy to ignore your fears and pretend they aren't there until a situation presents itself. It's easy to brush them under the carpet, hide them in the closet.
How easy is it to push past them, though? Is it easy to go skydiving if heights terrify you? Is it easy to share your feelings for someone if you're scared of rejection?
I don't find these things easy. I consider myself an average person. Normal things affect me normal ways. I have a question in this.
How do we face these fears? How do we gather up the courage to do these things that may hurt us? How can we be strong in the face of adversity?
Is it possible to be fearless?
Thanks.
Tyler.

Dying to live.

I've been living life backwards. I should be dying to live. Instead, I'm living to die. I walk around every day. I have the same routine. I go to the same places. I talk to the same people. I have the same conversation every day.
I've stopped seeking new things. I've stopped wanting to. I want to stay right where I am. I don't want change because change isn't safe.
This mentality has stopped me from asking this girl out and it's driving me nuts. Hopefully she doesn't read this. It'd be awkward because she'll know who she is. But my need to get this out is greater.
I have held myself back from life. I've held myself back from healing.
Not an easy revelation to have. I want to live again. I want fun. I want change. I want better for myself.
Thanks.
Tyler

Why I fight.

I've been fighting most of my life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I've boxed, wrestled, played football, and other sports. I've taken the hardest classes in school just because I wanted a challenge. I've had so many things happen that I regret that it's a daily struggle to look past them all. My faith is challenged every day, and not just by those around me.
Some weeks, it's a wonder that I'm still  going, even to me.
This past week has been no exception. In fact, it's been one of the hardest weeks I can remember. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually more than anything else. I'm about to fail my biology class. I lost two relationships by my own fault. I can't find the strength to tell this girl I think she's amazing. I can't tell her she's the kind of country that I miss from home. Spiritually, I can't even begin to start. I've nearly lost all scraps of faith I had. I don't know how to repair this. Any of it.
I don't feel strong enough. I feel like I'm falling and got knocked out before I even threw a punch.
I feel like I've given it all, but haven't been given a try at anything better.
But I'm going to keep fighting. I know that if I just lay down and take it, it'll get worse. But if I fight and keep fighting to survive, pretty soon I'll be stronger than before.
I fight because I love life. As hard as it is to admit some days, I love being alive.
I'm fighting.
I'm alive.
This is why I fight.
It boils down to love.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Promises

Lately I've broken a lot of promises. I made promises when I was stronger and now can't fulfill them.
I told a girl once that I would ALWAYS be there for her. No matter what time of the day or night. No matter what circumstance. I loved this girl with all of my heart, and still do.
Tonight I had to tell her I couldn't keep doing this. I hate that I did it. I really do. It's the lowest I've felt in a long time.
Sometimes we don't have the strength to carry through with all of our promises. Sometimes, we hurt so bad when we are fulfilling them that we can't keep going. It hurts. It feels like you're abandoning someone. It feels like you're lower than the carpet. But sometimes it is necessary. You can't make anyone else happy unless you are happy first. I've learned a lesson in this.
I can't promise someone the world because I can't give them the world. I am human and can only give so much. And it hurts to admit. But I, Tyler Fox, am human.
Thanks.
Tyler.

Screaming

It's been rough lately. Finding a place to live, dealing with the lack of money, dealing with my job cutting all of my hours, losing my vehicle, etc. It's been hard on me. I'm strong, but I'm weak.
I feel like I'm screaming. Screaming for help, for solace, for comfort, for love, for something. Anything.
I haven't heard any thing back. I've wanted to give up. Scratch that.
I want to give up.
I want to tell the world that it wins.
I want to tell all of the people who seem to have made a mission out of bringing me down that they've succeeded.
I want to tell everyone that I can't do this anymore.
I want to tell myself that I'm done.
I've screamed until my voice has given out. Like an actor who's given everything he has and sacrificed everything so he can get by.
I've thrown myself off of a cliff chasing what felt like life. I've lost friendships. I've made a jackass out of myself. I've failed to stay true to who I am and who those close to me know me to be.
I'm just musing at this point. I don't want a pity party. I just want to get this out.
It hurts holding things in. It does. I know why I did for so long. The one person I trust fully and without question, I can't talk to anymore.
One of the only male role models I have seems to be unavailable all the time. It also seems that when I talk to him he's just tolerating it. Even my roommate seems to be barely tolerating me. It hurts.
I made a new friend, but I can't seem to tell her everything I'm feeling because some of it is identical to what she's feeling.
I can't even talk to a girl I had become really interested in.

"I'm falling apart again." Shinedown, "Shed some light"

I'm pushing people away. My best friend. My brother. Even me.
And the worst thing's that I don't know how to fix this one.
I don't know how to believe in them.
I don't know how to believe in my faith.
I don't know how to believe in me.
I'm just screaming to what feels like an empty room.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Goodnight.
Tyler.

Storm

I'm in the middle of a storm. I see everything around me crashing down. I've lost all of my important possessions. I feel trapped.
I'm uncomfortable. I'm scrambling. I just want out.

I've realized I'm like a tree though. My feet are rooted to the ground. I can't just walk away from this.
My arms that flail in resistance just catch the wind and bend me farther and farther.
I have to stand in place.

In the process of losing, you learn to give.
You learn to give everything you can, because it'll all fall away anyway.
It's sad. But it's necessary.